My Husband And I Stopping Looking At Porn, And It Improved Our Intimacy

When I met my husband, I was about to turn 21, and he had just turned 26. I was attracted immediately, and when retelling the story to my friends I said, “I liked him with my panties first.” There was something so incredibly masculine and confident about him, I just had to have him. I even dumped the guy I was seeing when I found out he was interested in me.

What I interpreted as a confident, good looking guy, was nothing further from the truth for him. He had always had self-confidence issues, and being a closeted-introvert (really, they exist!), he had been too shy to approach girls and women earlier in his life.

The first morning we woke up together, he was very uncomfortable, and eventually he confessed that what had happened the night before was the second time in his life he had had intercourse. At age 26.

Now, nothing is wrong about that. A lot of people discover their own sexuality later rather than earlier. It had been the opposite for me, though: I lost my virginity to my high school boyfriend at 16, so I was shocked. “How have you managed all these years?” I asked. And the truth came out: he was an avid porn consumer.

Personally, I dislike the adult industry. I find it in poor taste, offensive to the empowering of women, and completely unnecessary. I don’t think porn does anything to help anyone, nor it makes the world a better place. It is a career choice that I don’t understand, but heck, I don’t consume it so I don’t care.

When we moved in together, he packed his stash of magazines and we gave them away to his friend. It was like a “there’s a girl in this house now” ceremony.

Fast-forward five years. We are now happily married. We have traveled the world together, and are working our dream jobs. He owns an iPad, I don’t. He’s out of the house, and I grab his tablet to check Youtube. As I type y, o, u, autocomplete prompts Youporn. In case you aren’t familiar, that’s a website with amateur, mostly home-made XXX content.

My stomach sank. I was hurt. I felt cheated. I was grossed out. We had a very healthy sex life, what on earth was he doing looking at this stuff? Why did he need it at all? I had my mid-twenties, pre-children body, for crying out loud! Wasn’t I enough?

As we walked together the next morning, I confronted him about it. I told him how I felt, how I wanted him to stop watching that. So I made him a deal: if you have “urges,” if you are horny or need to blow off some steam, do it with me. Save it for me. I want you to be hungry for it every time.

See, in my eyes, marriage — or relationships for that matter — are unique in that we have a special bond with someone, and your partner should be (if that’s what it comes down to) the only person who you are intimate with. You can live, have fun, eat, sleep, go out with just about anyone from family to friends. But it’s only a significant other who gets in your pants (yes, there are friends with benefits and open relationships, but stay with me here).

So we tried it. No more porn. No more looking at other people doin’ it. Let’s do it ourselves.

I’m not going to say it changed our sex life, because we already had good chemistry in bed, but it changed the way we accepted our marriage. We were exclusive, completely exclusive. We chose to be with each other as the sole source of arousal, and it has been AMAZING!

Now, I’m not saying that when I see a good looking man I avert my eyes, but in every sexual fantasy, it’s only my husband’s face. It’s only him.

We’ve been together for 12 years, 6.5 of those married, we have two young kids. Yet I still look at him across the room and he makes my lady bits smile.

I know that there are couples out there who enjoy pornography, together and separately. I know that it’s a way for people to explore their own sexuality. To those of you, I say “you do you.”

There are readers out there who often cannot meet the sexual needs of their spouse. Many of you are out there enjoying a healthy sex life. Some are in between.

My point is, find what’s best for you and your partner. Make compromises, sacrifices, or whatever you want to call them. But make them because it’ll make your marriage stronger, not you, or them individually.

It worked, still does, for us. All it took was one talk.