No Clowns For Halloween, Please. I'm Begging You.

Um, hello freaky clown people out there? You just need to stop. We have enough to worry about in the world without having to think about maniac clowns chasing us or jumping out at us from the forest or TRYING TO LURE OUR CHILDREN INTO THE WOODS. And the weapons you’re carrying? Not okay. You’re going to find yourself up against a person who has a serious clown phobia and knows some jiu-jitsu and someone is really going to get hurt. I mean, no one loves a good prank more than me, and it might seem funny to you (ha ha!), but this is some terrifying shit. Have you read Stephen King’s It? You should. Clowns are no joke.

I feel like maybe you’ve all spent one too many hours reading about politics on the internet and now you’ve cracked. Have you cracked, clown people? Is this some kind of protest over the joke that our political season has become? I could understand that. What I can’t understand is how you can dress up like a clown and not freak the shit out of yourself when you walk by a mirror or a window. That would be the end of me, for sure.

Or how do you fall asleep at night after you’ve taken the clown stuff off? I would constantly be thinking that my body-less clown mask would come alive and start rolling toward me on the floor. Every creak would be my clown outfit deciding to crack open the door of the closet, its disjointed body lumbering over, and holy shit, I’m scaring myself right now. Good luck sleeping tonight, clown people, hope your imagination is not as vivid as mine.

For the rest of us, I propose we all decide that on Halloween we have a clown-free zone. No clowns. No happy or sad or fucked-up looking clowns with daggers for teeth-carrying machetes. No cute little baby clowns or funny old lady clowns, okay? I don’t want to see any orange wigs following me and my kids down the street while we’re trick-or-treating. My clown-kicking inhibition has been seriously lowered, and there’s no telling what I’m capable of right now. And I’m small, but they say that people’s clown-fear is rooted in emotion, and I don’t think you want to mess with any mom’s emotions on Halloween. We’re way out of fucks by then with all the costume drama and the kids hopped up on candy and fighting with our spouse about where to park for trunk-or-treating. We are OUT OF FUCKS, I tell you, so don’t mess with us.

Also, let’s all maybe decide that it’s just not okay to REALLY scare people. Karma is real, folks. You clown people might be laughing at all of the people running away from your deranged selves, but just wait. I wouldn’t want to piss off any real haunted clowns, that’s for sure. If I were you, I’d walk really fast past any old carnivals or broken down circus trains, or you just might meet the real deal. And I don’t think you want to find out if demented demon clowns actually exist because they’ll be after you if they hear you’ve been making a mockery out of them. Soon, they’ll be crawling after you on the street, dragging their weird-ass floppy shoes, holding their grinning, bloody clown heads under one arm and moaning about how you’re going to pay for scaring all of us.

So, there you go, I hope that now all of you freaky clown people are also afraid to close your eyes at night or walk past the darkened woods. Just like the rest of us.

You’re welcome.