10 New Year's Resolutions ... For Other People

We always make New Year’s resolutions for ourselves. This year, I’m making them for other people: all the a-holes in the world who make our lives a little less joyful, a little more difficult, and a hell of a lot more annoying. These resolutions aren’t for us — screw self-improvement. We’re out to heal the world — or least, reduce our pet peeves.

Resolution #1: Put your damn shopping cart away.

Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow nor dead of night shall keep you from your appointed rounds, namely, put your damn shopping cart back in the cart corral when you’re finished. I was in Home Depot the other day when some heathen didn’t return their freaking lumber cart, and that beast was rolling. A stiff breeze and it could have taken out cars, old ladies, and harried holiday shoppers. Someone has to collect those carts, you know. Someone working for minimum wage, on an already (likely) miserable job, (likely) in the cold. Show some kindness. Make a New Year’s resolution to take back your damn cart.

Resolution #2: Stow the multi-level marketing crap.

Stop trying to sell me essential oils. Stop trying to sell me leggings. Stop trying to sell me Tupperware, makeup, vitamins, dildos, or whateverthefuck you’re hawking. Don’t add me to your virtual Facebook parties. Don’t slip it into casual conversation. Just stop. If you make the lifestyle choice to sell your soul to DoTerra, keep it a secret from me. I don’t wanna know. Make it your New Year’s resolution to STFU or, better yet, GTFO of the marketing scheme. You almost always lose money, you know.

Resolution #3: If you choose not to vaccinate, move to a secluded island somewhere.

Hell no, we don’t want our loved ones infected with COVID — not to mention all the childhood nasties that vaccines prevent. Dr. Google and your fellow Dr. Hippie Mama who got her degree at the University of What’s Happening Now does not know better than the Harvard educated docs at the CDC, people. Don’t yell about conspiracy theories or vaccine injuries. Just vax. Don’t want to do that? Go find an abandoned oil rig platform and waterworld your lives in peace.

Resolution #4: Remember proper food hygiene at potlucks.

Fake nails in the chili. Dog hairs in the jello. Who knows if the cook washed their hands, if the cat walked on the kitchen counter, if they properly washed that chicken, or if that ground beef was nigh on expired? If you’re gathering at any point during the year with food that other people are bringing, stick to your own kitchen and the kitchens of people you trust to maintain hygiene standards appropriate for the consumption of human food. Make a New Year’s resolution to use proper food hygiene when bringing a dish to the potluck. And if you’re sketched out at a potluck, just avoid that sh*t.

Resolution #5: Stop hashtagging #blessed.

Look, when you do that, you’re saying God chose you specially for that healthy newborn, that brand-new job, that lovely family, that good health. Then think of the people who aren’t specially chosen by God to have those things. How do you think they feel? Maybe claiming some divine favoritism isn’t too cool, peeps.

Resolution #6: Stop judging parents on cell phones at the park.

Dude, playing with my kids? Not my job. The village no longer exists, and when it does, it lives on the internet. So when I go to the park, I talk to my village … on the internet. Let the children run free. If we believe that children are our future, we need to let them figure shit out on their own. And c’mon, we always ignored our kids at the playground, anyway. This is just the latest way to do it. Instead of moms talking to Alice on the rotary phone while we chased our kids outside so we could watch Days of Our Lives and chug Tab in peace, we’re on our phones texting Alice about the bitch side-eyeing us for our kid climbing the slide. Make a resolution not to judge our asses. If you can tear yourself away from your phone, that is.

Resolution #7: Learn to accept transgender kids.

Look. First you say kids are too young to know their own gender identities. Then you flip around and say that if people were really transgender, they would’ve known since they were kids. Do you see the contradiction here, people?! So throw it out. Toss out the hate. Let people be who they are. Accept them and fight for their equal rights. They don’t want to harass your kid in the bathroom. They just want to be called by their name and accepted for who they really are. Make a resolution to accept that — and if you can’t manage it, keep your fat mouth shut, Karen.

Resolution #8: Wear whatever the hell you want.

Look, we’ve seen the VSCO girls, we’ve seen Birkenstocks with socks, we’ve seen the ’90s come back, we’re seen skinny jeans and mom jeans and bootcut jeans and crop tops and Timothée Chalamet (swoon) carry some weird-ass Eiffel Tower charm accessory to the Little Women premier as part of his freaking outfit. At this stage in fashion, you can walk outside in yoga pants, or you can walk outside in leggings, or you can walk outside dressed like 1998 and no one gives a fuck. Make a resolution not to give that fuck.

Resolution #9: Make plans for a girls’ night, or vacay, or something.

You need it. You need to recharge and take time for yourself and be someone without your kids. You used to be someone without your kids. You used to be cool once. Take some time to be cool again, even if that means drinking wine coolers in someone’s backyard while you talk about poop. Resolve to take that time for yourself.

Resolution #10: Stop the fat shaming. Yes, all of it.

Yeah, some bodies are bigger than other bodies. That doesn’t mean that those bodies are inherently lesser than smaller bodies, or that there’s some weird hierarchy of bodies where even once someone becomes overweight, the less overweight they are, the more valuable. That’s some messed-up crap right there. Stop your fake concern about health. Stop your fake concern about bad examples for the children. Make a New Year’s resolution to see bodies for what they can do, not what they look like.

Kthanx. Screw your unhealthy diet culture. Put your damn cart back. It’s the little things, people. The little things that make life easier for the rest of us. Make a real New Year’s resolution. The world will thank you.