Netflix And Children: A Far Cry From Netflix And Chill

Okay, I admit it: For the last year or so, I thought I was doing “Netflix and Chill,” when all I was doing was queueing up endless episodes of Caillou so that I could take a shit and/or have a totally silent Falling Down moment at a sink of two-day-old dishes.

Turns out, I was actually doing “Netflix and Children,” which is a totally different thing. A totally different thing.

Netflix and Chill means you lure someone to your couch by coyly suggesting you watch a movie together, and then you instead have sex. Or at least intentionally touch each other in a mutually pleasurable way.

I mean wow. Wow. Netflix and Children means basically the total opposite.

Netflix and Chill is all about being together. Netflix and Children is all about being alone at fucking last. It’s about letting Peppa Pig, or those weird H20 Mako Mermaids, or the Ninjago Lego toys deal with this mess for 20 minutes (or half an hour, or fine, the whole first season of Lab Rats!) so that I can get some work done, or take a shower, or lie on a pile of unfolded laundry and try to figure out how to put a flag on my Facebook profile picture for, like, an hour and a half. All while my kids are being lobotomized by something rated TV-Y, or TV-G, or (emergencies only) TV-14.

And I’m sorry, but Netflix and Children is way better than Netflix and Chill! Consider: I don’t need to shave my legs, stay awake, smell pretty much clean, or be likeable for Netflix and Children to be a huge hit! Actually, I have been married for 10 years, so the same rules would apply for Netflix and Chill, but you get my point: It takes absolutely no effort.

Thank God I have Netflix and Children to help me sidestep my parenting responsibilities when it is truly essential that my children and I take a break from one another and not touch or talk for as many seasons of Pingu as possible.

Lastly, a warning to all those sensually streaming lovebirds: Some variation of Netflix and Chill is what got me to where I am today. My children are probably a product of the bygone “DVR and Hit Dat” era. Watch responsibly.