Nervous New Dad Leaves Instructions For Babysitter, Hilarity Ensues

Nervous dad leaves outrageous instructions for babysitter

By the time your kid is a preschooler, you’re so eager for a break and so sure they’ll be fine that the only instructions you leave for a babysitter are where to find the money for the pizza delivery and the Netflix password.

But when you’re a nervous new parent about to leave your precious baby with a sitter for the first time, you want to make sure your sitter is prepared for anything and everything that could happen. Enter the list of instructions you write for the babysitter.

Reddit user Fordiman recently posted an an old email of his own that his wife forwarded to him. The email contains his very, very detailed instructions to his infant son’s babysitter and is a perfect glimpse into the mind of a neurotic first-time parent.

First up, bottles and how to handle a crying baby:

The part about poop having a distinctive smell is amazing, but you can’t overlook the fact that dad notes the proper time to warm up a bottle in “your'” microwave, meaning he must have done a test run at the babysitter’s house before typing this up, just to make sure the milk wouldn’t be too hot or cold.

Also great is the cautionary note to open up a potentially poopy diaper “carefully.” The smell alone is enough to let anyone know to proceed with extreme caution, no written instructions required. And just in case the babysitter doesn’t know how to change a diaper, dad covered that too:

Dad recommends a “sneak peek” approach of glancing in the diaper before you open it so you know what supplies you’ll need for cleanup, which is actually a pretty smart move. Next, how to interact with a baby:

Fordiman doesn’t say if the babysitter was a family member or someone they hired, but if they used a service, can you imagine what that help wanted add looked like? “Ideal applicant must be infant/baby CPR certified and play a mean rendition of Ed Sherran’s Photograph.”

Next, he clues the sitter in on the reason why pacifiers were invented and just how many baby bounces on your knee is too many:

It’s hard to decide which is funnier, the fact that he says swaddles are stupid-proof and yet goes on to explain in detail how to put one on anyhow or the image of this dad with his eyes glued to his watch as he bounces the baby to make sure he doesn’t dare do three bounces in a single second.

All kidding aside, as a mom who filled two pages of college ruled notebook paper with instructions (front and back) the first time I left my twin babies with their grandma, as much as it pains me to admit it — I can relate to this dad.

Parenting isn’t intuitive for everyone, and things that seem like common sense once you’re a seasoned parent don’t necessarily come naturally when you’re learning them for the first time. So often it’s moms that are seen as the ones who are super uptight and freaking out about taking care of the baby. It’s nice to know that there’s a least one dad who feels the exact same way.