Mother's Day 2020: A (Realistic) Schedule Of Events

6:03 a.m. – Breakfast in Bed

You will be awakened by the sweet voices of your little ones as they bring you a breakfast tray set with waffles, fresh orange juice, and a homemade card.

6:04 a.m. – Cleanup

Your little ones will underestimate the weight of the tray in proportion to the height of your bed, causing the orange juice to spill all over the homemade card and your white linen comforter.

6:09 a.m. – Laundry

Unable to find the cleaning instructions on your comforter’s tag, you will throw the entire thing in the washer while simultaneously comforting your son who thinks this laundry sojourn has ruined breakfast.

6:14 a.m. – Breakfast At The Table

You will learn that the waffles are, in fact, still frozen.

6:29 a.m. – Screen Time

You will allow your children one hour of screen time, in which they disappear into their rooms to play Minecraft.

9:43 a.m. – Screen Time Ends

10:05 a.m. – First Video Call

Your mother will FaceTime you. She will assume that you forgot it was Mother’s Day and wants to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day while also implying that you forgot Mother’s Day. You will wish her a Happy Mother’s Day while reminding her that you didn’t forget but that there is a global pandemic going on, which is why you are not having brunch together. You will also use this as an excuse as to why you didn’t send her flowers.

10:51 a.m. – Delivery

A delivery person will arrive with Mother’s Day flowers from your mother.

12:14 p.m. – Lunch

Your children will volunteer to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in lieu of brunch reservations. The bread will be stale and you will realize this is because the sandwich is left over from the children’s lunches yesterday.

1:00 p.m. – Second Video Call

Your entire family will invite you to join a 27 person Zoom call.

1:12 p.m – Second Attempt at Second Video Call

Your entire family will invite you to a separate 27 person Zoom call after your Aunt Linda couldn’t get the first link to work.

2:41 p.m. – Leisurely Family Walk

In an attempt to get out of the house, you and your family will take a stroll around the block. Halfway through, your daughter will get tired and you will have to carry her the rest of the way home. Your son will cry and say this isn’t fair.

3:01 p.m. – Screen Time (Again)

A special second hour of designated screen time will be added here.

3:29 p.m. – Delivery

A delivery person arrives with the wine you ordered from the nearby liquor store.

5:26 p.m. – Screen Time Ends, Again

5:30 p.m. – Family Movie Night (Part 1 of 2)

Your family will volunteer to allow you to pick the movie since it is your day. They will still offer input.

5:42 p.m. – Family Movie Night (Part 2 of 2)

After twelve minutes of listening to their input, you will put on Pokémon Detective Pikachu. This will be the sixth time in a row you will have watched Pokémon Detective Pikachu for Family Movie Night.

5:43 p.m. – Dinner

You “don’t have to cook because it’s Mother’s Day,” so you will open a bottle of wine while putting a frozen pizza in the oven for the children. You will eat their crusts.

7:27 p.m. – Bedtime

Your children will ask whether it is actually bedtime because the sun is still up and it seems early but you will assure them that yes, it is bedtime. And no, there are no baths on Mother’s Day.

7:51 p.m. – Wrap Up

Before curling up on the sofa with a movie and a glass of wine, you will need to load the dishwasher but that means first unloading the dishwasher. This will be interrupted by your son who will need water, then again when he needs his special sweatshirt, and finally when he needs to know where God lives since we don’t see him when we go up in an airplane.

9:40 p.m. – Bedtime

The day has finally come to an end and you will decide to forgo a movie and crawl straight into bed with a good book. It is at this point that you will remember that your comforter is still soaking wet inside the fucking washing machine.

Happy Mother’s Day!