Mothers And The Bathroom: A Match Made in Heaven

The bathroom. The glorious bathroom where so many milestones occur. From botched do-it-yourself haircuts to being a crime scene that one time you accidentally kneed your kid in the face and made her nose gush blood while playing a “friendly” game of catch, the bathroom is an important room.

The most important role of the bathroom is sanctuary. Sanity redeemer. Emotion reliever. A mommy’s place to relax. A mommy’s place to cry and let it all out. A mommy’s life saver. Escape. Sweet, sweet escape.

I pretend to poop at least 5 times a day. So much, in fact, that I’m surprised my kids aren’t wondering why they don’t have to give birth to food babies more often. Maybe they do. I don’t care.

OK, fellow mothers of crotch droppings, I can hear you all now: “Must be nice to poop alone, real or fake! I don’t have that luxury.” Here are some tips for you naysayers:

1. The bathroom MUST have a lock. This is non-negotiable.

2. When you really do make a nose-burning, eye-watering, smelly poop, tell your kids they have to brush their teeth right after or have them retrieve something from the bathroom. This ensures they will avoid you when you say you have to poop. And it’s really fun to trick them into smelling your poop.

3. If you have a baby or toddler you can’t leave alone and who doesn’t yet understand poop, well, frankly, you’re going to have to pay your dues like the rest of us. The good news is, you will appreciate the art of pretending to poop much more when baby is older. Alternatively, convince your spouse you have to poop. Spouses are just as gullible as kids and are much more fearful of your poop.

4. Kids will still knock, yell, fight, whine, and cry. But the closed door, the wonderful closed door, will at least give you physical privacy, which is important when you are cringing every time your kid sits next to you or keeps rubbing their feet all over you.

I’ve worked hard to nurture a fear of mommy’s poop in my kids’ heads. Best parenting decision ever. I have no doubt that you all are capable of accomplishing the same goal I did.

Here’s what you can do during a covert Operation Fake Poop:

Connect with friends. If it weren’t for Facebook, I wouldn’t have friends. Us moms can barely keep up with our kids’ social lives, let alone our own. Use this time to socialize and post completely inappropriate memes.

Play video games. Line up candy, grow crops, or save a princess without kids looking over your shoulder or begging to play every 30 seconds. I, for one, am tired of my kids killing “video game me” because their huge heads are in the way or they want to lean on my arm.

Groom yourself. You probably won’t have time to shave your legs or paint your nails, but at least this allows you some time to pluck those bushy eyebrows, floss the broccoli out of your teeth, or for the love of God, put some makeup on.

Stop tripping. I’m tired of eating shit because my toddler all of a sudden death grips my pant leg as I’m walking. I sacrifice my body for the kid, who, by the way, can heal much more quickly than I. I leap over her and awkwardly fall like an amateur skydiver whose parachute just failed, spending days in old people agony waiting to heal. In my bathroom, I am safe from toddler-induced injuries.

Stop yelling. OK, more like screaming like an irate drunken sailor. Yeah, I lied. I still sometimes yell from inside the bathroom, because I know they’re up to something, but at least the door blocks my punch and softens my voice a little.

Catch your breath. My kids can get such snotty looks on their faces that it makes my blood boil, my pulse race, and my breathing become intensely fast. I HATE IT. I may still be able to hear my kids and their annoying questions and bickering from within my thunder dome, but damn, I can’t believe how much it helps to not see their faces or body language while they’re being turds.

Get work done. Sorry clients, but yes, sometimes when I’m emailing you it’s from my magical throne in my second office.

Clean the bathroom. I know, it’s not fun or relaxing, but when I see poop stuck to the side of the toilet bowl and globs of toothpaste in the sink, I know only I will be the one cleaning it. This way it’s uninterrupted. And, bonus, the kids are so scared to go in the bathroom after mommy just dropped bombs that it actually stays clean for longer than five minutes.

Read. Catch up on your favorite celebrities, read a page or two of a novel, or read about do-it-yourself projects you know you’ll never complete.

Eat candy. Lots of candy. All you need is a tampon box filled with candy bars. No kids begging for a bite, no sharing. Pure sugary and well-deserved reward for not punching your kids in the face today.

Cry. Just. Cry. We all need to let it out sometimes. Stop trying to hold it in to look strong for your kids. Just do it in the privacy of your bathroom. We won’t tell anyone.

What are you waiting for? Tell your kids you have to take the Browns to the Super Bowl and save yourself!