I Don’t Need To Talk Like A Lady, Thank You Very F**king Much

I am a firm believer that a well-landed F-bomb deserves its rightful place in our society. I also believe that, as a woman, I have as much access to the words “fuckity mcfuckerson” as any man out there.

My kids know all the words, and admittedly, most of those words have come out of my mouth as opposed to my husband’s. And since they know all the words, I have made sure to teach them that there are appropriate times and places for the words. For instance, saying, “Christ on a cracker!” when you drop a fork on your foot at home might be appropriate. In front of Grandma, not so much.

One thing that I definitely do not teach my kids is that boys can swear while girls need to “talk like a lady.” Oh no. Just fuck no. That is a load of sexist horseshit right there. We all know that women have superior language skills, and we won’t be reined in just because some people out there think we still live in Victorian times. And I guarantee that those Victorian ladies who were sitting there so subservient, knitting away, were also whispering some creative language at their husbands under their breath.

Women have had to work a lot harder to have equal human rights, and being able to say “dickwhistle thundertwat” and not feel ashamed is one of them.

Here are some of the reasons why I won’t be talking like a “lady” anytime soon:

1. Swearing is fun.

Sugar tits. Clusterfuck. Twat waffle. Motherfuckinator. Assclown. Turd burglar. Any phrase with the word “douche” in it. These are just really hilarious things to say. Try it. I dare you not to smile when you say “Sweet muppity Christ.”

2. I trust people who know how to swear more than other people.

Swearing moms of the world, you are my people. I know exactly where I stand with you. I believe that you will tell me honestly how it is in very colorful language that I can appreciate and maybe store in my memory bank for later.

3. It adds a beautiful fucking emphasis just when you need it.

Let’s just say that I’m forever grateful to live in a world where Samuel L. Jackson reading Go the Fuck to Sleep exists. Because really, kids, just GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.

4. Sometimes hurting yourself makes you want to shout obscenities at the cruelty of the world.

And nothing but “son of a shit biscuit!” is going to make you feel better about shutting your finger in the car door.

5. I read this study once.

It said that people who swear have larger vocabularies and are linguistically more mature than people who don’t swear. Damn straight.

6. You’re not the boss of me.

Really that’s what is comes down to. Being a lady in this world does not mean we have to censor ourselves from all of the beautiful terms of endearment like “shitgibbon” and “hellbeast” and “thunder donkey snot eater.”

Swearing aside, I can still be a proper grown-up person when I need to be. I promise I won’t go all Pulp Fiction around your children in the grocery store. I’m a controlled swearer who usually only brandishes the naughty words when it’s appropriate. For example, I’m not going to be taking the words “shitgoose” and “Jesus Christ monkey balls” with me to the PTA meeting or to church.

But I can’t guarantee anything if I happen to stub my toe.