10 Problems All Moms of Boys Have

I can’t tell you what problems you’d face with, say, fifty cats in your house. Or the challenges life would bring if you were born with an extra nose or only one boob. But if there’s one thing I know about, it’s the hurdles involved with raising an all-dude brood. Mine are still on the young side – no stinky, hormonal teenagers for another few years, thank goodness – but even little men present a unique set of dilemmas. You’ve read Ten Boy-Mom Musts? Here are ten more crazy things you can expect if you’re blessed with a boy (or several).

1. Say so long to silence. If I had a nickel for every time I shushed someone or reminded them (for the eight millionth time) to use their “inside voice,” I’d be enjoying an early retirement on the beach in Ibiza. With a boob job and a tummy tuck. And a frosty drink. Wait, what? Oh yes. Little boys are loud, is my point. Even when they’re within a one-foot radius of each other, they still feel the need to bellow. Especially if they’re excited … which boys almost always are, about one thing or another. And P.S.? Their toys are loud too. Yay!

2. Gender-neutrality? Good luck with that. In a valiant attempt to make my boys as well-rounded as possible, I have provided them with a slew of baby dolls, kitchen playsets and other toys typically geared toward girls. I have made impassioned speeches about how there are no “boy colors” and “girl colors,” but simply colors, period, and how it’s okay to wear whichever one makes you feel happy. They’ve asked me to paint their fingernails, and I’ve gladly obliged. But as they get older, they are leaning more and more toward activities of the masculine persuasion (and are downright disgusted with anything they perceive as “girly”) – despite my best efforts to quash a “boy stuff vs. girl stuff” mentality. Most boys are … boyish. It’s something a boy mom has to accept. Which brings me to number three …

3. Rough is routine. One little boy can be plenty rough all by himself – but you put him with a male friend or family member (or several) and it’s a recipe for a wrestling match. They push and shove and punch and tackle and wallow, whether they’re happy, angry, or anything in between. This can be especially problematic for two reasons: one, they lose track of their surroundings and damage your crap (I’ve had holes – multiple – in my walls and a broken TV screen to back up that claim). And two …

4. The ER staff will know you. Intimately. You know how they say kids are expensive? They’re not joking. When you have a boy, you should automatically tack a couple hundred bucks onto your monthly expenses for out-of-pocket medical costs (and, at the very least, a bunch of Neosporin and gauze). Concussions, chipped teeth, broken bones, nasty gashes and road rashes – boy moms encounter a steady stream of these and must be prepared accordingly. Well, as prepared as you can ever be when your kid comes to you with an injury that makes your stomach turn. Should I also mention that the frequency and variety of injuries will be such that you’ll secretly panic inside every time, thinking somebody will surely report you to the authorities for abuse? Yeah. It’s like that.

5. Weapons are everywhere. Along the lines of roughhousing and ER visits, parents of dudes must face the fact that little boys can – and will – turn almost anything into a weapon. When my oldest son was a toddler, I swore that he’d never play with toy guns. Not even water guns. But guess what? Life happens, and somewhere along the way he encountered his first Super Soaker and was hooked. Four boys later, and my once weapon-free closets are stocked with a plastic arsenal. I’m telling you now, though, it doesn’t matter if you outlaw weapons: they’ll make them. Out of empty wrapping paper/toilet paper/paper towel tubes. And sticks. And Legos. And leftover sticks from corn dogs. And any-damn-thing that can be aimed, flung, or jabbed at someone repeatedly.

6. Kiss your girly dreams goodbye. I used to fantasize about my daughter wearing my wedding dress. Or bequeathing her my high school journals, filled with stories of my friends, crushes, and drama. But I’m pretty sure my boys aren’t gonna want to read about the “magical” New Year’s Eve kiss I received my junior year. And I can almost bet that nobody’s going to be clamoring to wear my wedding dress (but hey, boys? If that’s your type of thing, it’s all yours, man). When you don’t have girls, you’re less likely to do these types of things. And you have to make peace with it. But wanna know a secret? That’s not the worst part. The worst part comes when people don’t understand that you’re cool with having all boys, and they act unnecessarily sympathetic – like your life is somehow incomplete without female offspring, and you’re going around pining for the daughters you never had. Now that’s irritating.

7. Oh, the pressure! As the mother of a boy, you feel a huge – gigantic – obligation to make sure that they don’t grow into that douche-y ex-boyfriend that every woman has. The problem is, you’re not sure what exactly makes sweet little boys grow into bad dates and insufferable bedfellows. There’s no manual that tells us how to ensure that our dudes develop into ideal mates (or at least close) – and if you’ve never been a man yourself, it can be hard to tap into what makes them tick, adult-relationship-wise. So you do the best you can, but it’s all trial-and-error. And then you have to wait until they grow up to see if it worked.

8. Stains stink. Trying to keep boys’ clothing pristine is like trying to jump into a pool and stay dry. And figuring out how to treat the endless parade of stains – from grass to blood to pudding to mud to Popsicles to poop – is a never-ending guessing game. You’ll spend hundreds of dollars amassing a collection of stain removal products so impressive that your laundry room will rival the detergent aisle at the grocery store. And you’ll hold your breath as you run the pre-treated item through the wash, and then snarl and swear and grit your teeth as it comes out still bearing the faint trace of spray paint or gum or permanent marker that you tried so hard to banish. You’ll toss out tons of stuff because nobody wants a hand-me-down that looks like you tried to tie-dye it with spaghetti sauce. Yeah, you’ll get to shop for new clothes for your boys, but here’s the next boy-mom problem …

9. Boy clothes are boring. It’s true. If you want easy, boy clothes are where it’s at: outfits are a snap to put together because there are only a handful of styles and everything goes together. But it’s not fun. Boys aren’t all that into accessories. It’s not like you get to choose ruffly socks or a coordinating hair ribbon or the perfect necklace. The boys’ clothing sections in stores always pale in comparison to the girls’. You might get to pick out, like, a belt or some sunglasses once in a while … but that’s about the closest to accessorizing that you’re gonna get.

10. Sometimes you just. Don’t. Know. I can comfort my boys when they’re sad or scared, praise them when they do well, correct them when they do wrong, and be happy when they’re happy. But when it comes to completely, 100% identifying with their feelings and concerns, let’s just say that one little thing stands between a mom and her total understanding of her sons. And I do mean one thing – also known as the penis. Because as much as I can empathize with the boys, I will never be able to completely understand why the male appendage requires so much airing out, or the allure of pulling on it all the time, or why its facing the “wrong way” (whatever that is) in your Ninja Turtle briefs is cause for alarm. Don’t even get me started on the questions that ensue on the occasions when it, uh, points north instead of south. It’s hard to teach them about a body part that you don’t have, so I resort to stammering uncomfortably scientific explanations for stuff like that.

Just remember: When applicable, “Ask your dad” can be a boy-mom’s best phrase.

Related post: Your Penis Won’t Fall Off And Other Things Boys Should Know