Moms Are Disgusting

I picked a booger today and it wasn’t my own. I saw it and I just went for it. It was strangely instinctual, second nature even. It was the “I was born on this earth to pick boogers” kind of natural. It was just sitting there on my daughters nose as she approached me today. I say on because it was not in her nose, it was hitching a ride on top of it.

My mom alarm sounded and I used my bare hands to lift it off of her precious little face and flick it to the dirt where it belonged. How dare you attach yourself to my kid! A bird may very well have scooped it up for nest-building supplies by now. That bird would hit the jackpot because I imagine boogers to be highly pliable material. That’s going to be one solid nest. Recycling is pretty cool too, so that’s a bonus right?

There were witnesses present while I peeled that booger and I didn’t even care. We just kept on trucking with our conversation like it wasn’t happening.

You see, moms do stuff like this and it is freaking disgusting. I am freaking disgusting.

Using our saliva to clean things (and by things I mean, our children) is not sanitary. Yet I do it. You probably do too. “Oh I see you were using a marker today honey. Here, let me put my tongue all over your face and wipe that off for you like a wild animal”… it’s essentially the same thing.

Have you ever found yourself face deep in a diaper and paused for a moment to reflect on what it is you are actually doing? You know, those times you think you smell something foul so you ask your kid if they need a diaper change, but they of course say no? So you then feel compelled to shove your face directly near their bottom anyway to breathe in a big whiff of what you already knew was there from a safer distance? Why? Why do we do this? If you are not careful you put yourself at risk for sucking in a fart…just like a bong hit.

If only my boss could see me at that moment. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll add these skills to my resume. I pride myself on my ability to sniff out bullshit. Oh wait, I’m sorry, did I say bullshit? I meant just plain old shit. I sniff shit on the regular…because that’s not gross right?

Though things may appear repulsive to others, you as a mom are blinded to the reality of the grossness that is motherhood. This is simply a survival mechanism to get us through, because sometimes you just have to roll up your sleeves and dive right into the mess.

Related post: 10 Gross Things You Hope Your Kids Will Never Do (But Probably Will)