Modern Motherhood Has Lost Its Damn Mind

My mother has made it abundantly clear on more than one occasion that some of the crap we “modern” mothers do is just insane. She thinks we analyze and dissect our kids’ emotions too much. We coddle too much. We keep them in a bubble of misting hand sanitizer and sunscreen.

She makes me wonder: Are we modern moms too much? Are we extra … everything? Have we morphed into mommy monsters? Here are 30 reasons my mother thinks we’ve lost it…

1. Video Baby Monitors. She claims these suckas are the reason moms now aren’t getting any sleep. We’re constantly looking at the glowing screen, checking for signs of baby discomfort, a baby rolling over on its belly (gawd forbid) and SIDS. We can’t stop. We’re obsessed. The point is, if the baby is crying, you’ll fucking know it. You won’t need a 4-D, LED, whatever-the-hell baby monitor screen to tell you THHHAAAATTTTT. You’ll hear those screams.

2. The way I line up activities for my kids. As if my kids will die if they are bored for one damn second.

3. All foods must be organic, grass-fed, dye-free and contain no added hormones. My mom agrees with me on the milk situation. After all, my peers and I were getting armpit hair and periods by age nine. But I imagine my mom goes coo-coo cray-cray when she sees my grocery list (ahem, organic shmorganic, non-GMO, gluten-free, free-range whatever list) upon my arrival at her house.

4. All clothes have to be 100% cotton. My kids have sensitive skin. And so do like a million other kids these days.

5. All lotions and body washes have to contain 100% natural ingredients and be fragrance-free. Again, sensitive skin.

6. Also related, that laundry detergent. It better be biodegradable and free of all dyes, fragrances and chemicals.

7. Preschool being a two-year application process. It is just like applying for college. Waiting lists, interviews, rejections and all.

8. My kids beg for kale smoothies. I swear.

9. Car seat contraptions: It takes a doctorate and engineer degree to buckle and unbuckle your kid.

10. The fact that it took me 30 minutes to get out of the house with all of my baby gear. Actually, it’s just the sheer amount of baby gear ‘required’ now to have a happy baby.

11. My private preschool bill is the amount of a mortgage payment.

12. My kids have never eaten a hot dog. Choking hazard.

13. Balloons aren’t allowed at birthday parties. Choking hazard.

14. My kids call their vagina a “Woo Hoo.”

15. My kids don’t know what a period is. Even when I’m in some public stall with them, changing my tampon, I tell my girls, “Mommy has a boo-boo in her woo-hoo.” Done.

16. My kids sometimes dance like strippers on a pole. Hello, I grew up with MTV’s The Grind. I don’t know any other dance moves.

17. We analyze our kids’ poop to see if they’re getting enough fiber. And we’ll even explain the consistency and color of said poop to our parents on the phone. We might snap a pic (I won’t, but I’ve heard stories).

18. My kids never set the table. (We’re working on it.)

19. My kids don’t fold laundry. (We’re working on it.)

20. My kids don’t make their beds. (We’re working on it.)

21. We don’t own a Bible.

22. Birth plans. And a million sonograms.

23. Related to the above, gender announcement parties.

24. My kids beg for Starbucks. This is me ordering for my kids: “Hi! Can I get a kid’s hot chocolate with 1 inch of whip – and a double shot of cocoa powder sprinkled on top. SOY!”

25. That I drink so much wine to cope with motherhood. And that my kids know when it’s “Mommy’s Wine Time.”

26. That my kids can do downward facing dog and other yoga poses.

27. That I allow thousands of kiddie music CDs to be played in my car.

28. That there’s such ‘thing’ as too much screen time. And more so, that doctors and experts weigh in on this subject ad nauseum.

29. Hand sanitizer. Hand sanitizer. Hand sanitizer. A million fucking times a day.

30. I analyze the shit out of my kids. Every second. Of every day. So much so, that I write about my kids on this blog, write articles for other publications about motherhood AND read about motherhood and all things kids on the Internet. (eye-roll)

Why can’t we just kick it old-school with some balloons, cake and ice cream?

Oh wait, because balloons are like the number one deadly choking hazard, and cake and ice cream are probably full of fake, chemical, high-fructose whatever ingredients that will cause cancer.

Sigh.