Parenting

145+ Hilarious Michael Scott Quotes That Are Not Just "That's What She Said"

by Team Scary Mommy

Updated: Jan. 12, 2022

Originally Published: November 21, 2019

NBC

Steve Carrell’s Michael Scott from the beloved sitcom The Office will live on in the comedic canon for years to come. He was silly, absurd, obtuse, and yet also charming and sometimes rather poignant. He might not be the sort of boss we would personally want — unless you’re Dwight Schrute, of course — but he did have plenty of jokes and one-liners that will brighten anyone’s 9-5 day. In short, Micheal Scott was one of the most original characters on television.

If you’re being bullied by your friends for not knowing enough casual Office trivia, these quotes will inspire you to binge and learn. They will also make you question Michael Scott’s sanity… but in a good way. The point is Micheal Scott is offbeat comedy gold and, whether you’re reliving the glory days of the finished series or just looking for hilarious quotes, you’ve come to the right place to laugh your butt off. Which is why we rounded up the best Michael Scott quotes that will keep you laughing.

Check out our quote pages for the rest of The Office cast, from Jim Halpert to Kelly Kapoor.

“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
“Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.”
“Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.”
“If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.”
“I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero?… I really can’t say, but yes!”
“No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.”
“An office is not for dying. An office is a place for living life to the fullest, to the max, to… an office is a place where dreams come true.”
“Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.
“Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.”
“Do I have a special someone? Well, yeah, of course. A bunch of ’em. My employees.
“They say on your deathbed you never wish you spent more time at the office — but I will.”
“Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.”
“I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one someday.”
“I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and have worms.”
“Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was… no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.”
“The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money.”
“I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends and no one can say ‘no’ to being my friend.”
“I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It’s every parent’s dream.”
“You know what they say ‘Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice… strike three.’”
“I know it’s illegal in Pennsylvania, but it’s for charity, and I consider myself a great philanderer.”
“Two queens at casino night. I am gonna drop a deuce on everybody.”
“I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn’t even work here.”
“I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious.”
“Now, you may look around and see two groups here. White-collar, blue-collar. But I don’t see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.”
“And I’m optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate.”

NBC

“I am Beyonce, always.”
“It’s not like booze ever killed anyone.”
“And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.”
“The worst thing about prison was the dementors.”
“There’s no such thing as an appropriate joke. That’s why it’s called a joke.”
“Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.”
“I say dance, they say ‘How high?'”
“Tell him to call me ASAP as possible.”
“Presents are the best way to show how much you care. It’s a tangible thing you can point at and say, ‘Hey man, I love you. This many dollars worth.’”
“Dwight, you ignorant slut.”
“I want you to rub butter on my foot… Pam, please? I have Country Crock.”
“There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles and find true love.”
“I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.”
“About 40 times a year, Michael gets sick but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned.”
“There were these huge bins of clothes and everybody was rifling through them like crazy. And I grabbed one and it fit! So, I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual.”
“Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.”
“When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country! OK?”
“I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. And I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected. Even though I peed on it.”

NBC

“Friends joke with one another. ‘Hey, you’re poor.’ ‘Hey, your mama’s dead.’ That’s what friends do.”
“I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.”
“Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he’s not really a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s not really a part of his family.”
“Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.”
“Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn’t moving, you might think she was dead.”
“Number eight. Learn how to take off a woman’s bra: You just twist your hand until something breaks.
“I don’t come up with this stuff, I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest the guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.”
“I love my employees even though I hit one of you with my car.”
“I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.”
“This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she’s cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago.”
“Like right here is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I’m going to go get me a New York slice.”
“Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing.”
“I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.”
“Nobody likes beets, Dwight! Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy.”
“It takes you thirty seconds to brush your teeth? Wow, that’s ten times as long as it takes me.”
“I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her life, they did the best they could. And she is going to be OK.”
“Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And I have a great one. Little Kid Lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.”
“People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.”
“Hi, I’m Date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
“I’ve got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.”
“OK, too many different words from coming at me from too many different sentences.”
“The people that you work with are, when you get down to it, your very best friends.”
“Webster’s Dictionary defines wedding as ‘the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.'”
“Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them.”
“I guess the attitude that I’ve tried to create here is that I’m a friend first and a boss second and probably an entertainer third.”

NBC

“Pizza: the great equalizer.”
“Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don’t know if you guys know about it, but, basically, you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. And that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.”
“I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish… sort of a virtual United Nations.”
“If you don’t like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus, or the front of the bus, or drive the bus.”
“If you break that girl’s heart, I will kill you. That’s just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl’s heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.”
“My mind is going a mile an hour.”
“It’s a pimple, Phyllis. Avril Lavigne gets them all the time, and she rocks harder than anyone alive.”
“Is there something besides ‘Mexican’ you prefer to be called? Something less offensive?”
“It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.”
“No, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs… Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there?”
“Abraham Lincoln once said that, ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.’ And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.”
“They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you’re lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that’s crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.”
“Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square… named for the good times you have when you’re in it.”
“Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly, we didn’t connect, I was miserable. Now, I am in the best relationship of my life, with the same woman. Love is a mystery.”
“You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is President! You are black, Stanley!”
“I want today to be a beautiful memory that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it, then it’ll suck.”
“I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?”
“That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here.”
“Oh, this is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest… that’s what she said.”
“Well, well, well, how the turntables.”
“We’re all homos. Homo… Sapiens.”
“You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?”
“I don’t want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who’s undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don’t think that’s too much to ask?”
“I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon.”
“Hate to see you leave, but love to watch you go. ‘Cause of your butt.”
“Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry that your party’s so lame.”
“It’s a good thing Russia doesn’t exist anymore.”
“Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?”
“I hate so much about the things you choose to be.”
It’s simply beyond words. It’s incalculable.”
“That’s what she said!”
Gabe Lewis: “Michael, you’ve just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?”

Michael Scott: “Yes. Of course. What’s this in reference to?”

“It’s never too early for ice cream.”
“When I discovered YouTube, I didn’t work for five days.”
“Occasionally, I’ll hit someone with my car. So sue me.”
“I saved a life — my own.”
Michael: “You want to hear a lie?”

Toby: “What?” Michael: “I think you’re great. You’re my best friend.”

“That has sort of an oaky afterbirth.”
“I learned a while back that if I do not text 911, people do not return my calls. Um, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.”
“I have cause. It’s beCAUSE I hate him.”
“I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate… no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it… Nike.”
“I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40, I had less money than I did when I was 30.”
“I’m not usually the butt of the joke. I’m usually the face of the joke.”
“The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout ‘shotgun’ when you’re within sight of the car gets the front seat. That’s how the game’s played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.”
“You are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.”
“You all took a life here today. You did. The life of the party.”
“I fell in love with these kids. And I didn’t want to see them fall victim to the system. So I made ’em a promise. I told them if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I have made some empty promises in my life but, hands down, that was the most generous.”
“Last, and possibly least, you didn’t think we’d forget, ‘That’s what she said!’”
“My philosophy is, basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don’t, ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or, or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever.”
“Dwight, you ignorant slut!”
“If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.”
“Nobody should have to go to work thinking, ‘Oh, this is the place that I might die today.’ That’s what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest. To the max. To… an office is a place where dreams come true.”
“You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take. Wayne Gretzky.”
“I… declare…. bankruptcy!”
“It is St. Patrick’s Day. And here in Scranton, that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.”
“It’s Britney, bitch.”
“You don’t know me, you’ve just seen my penis.”
“I’m sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans!”
Andy Bernard: “That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.”

Michael Scott: “He’s not the worst. OK? He’s not the worst. You know who’s the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though.”

“When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture, of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five years old. Couldn’t even talk yet.”
“Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work.”
“As it turns out, you can’t just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So, I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it.”
“They always say that it’s a mistake to hire your friends. And they are right. So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get!?”
“The only time I set the bar low is for limbo.”
“Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what.”
“It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don’t expect everyone to understand.”
“I’m not gonna cry over it. I did that in the car on the way home.”
“The only thing that could make this day better is ice cream.”
“Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it.”
“Don’t worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. OK. Calling cards are… the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.”
Oscar: “This sounds like a get-rich-quick scheme.”

Michael: “Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!”

Michael: (answering phone) Yeah?

Pam: “Michael, I have Jan on the line.” Michael: “Oh, great, put her through.” Jan: “Hello, Michael.” Michael: “Hey, you.” Jan: “I’m… returning your call. You said it was urgent.” Michael: “It is urgent. I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.” Jan: “Well, today’s not my birthday, so…” Michael: “Really? ‘Cause, I thought we had the same birthday.” Jan: “Happy birthday, Michael.” Michael: “Thanks. (grins)” Jan: “Am I on camera?” Michael: “Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. (Jan hangs up)“ Michael: “(to Ryan, sitting across from Michael) You can take a five if you want.”

Michael: “Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday!”

Stanley: “Mmhmm, happy birthday.” Michael: “Thanks.”

“When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids and I got a really bad rash from the pony, and all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me… for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out, the pony was already in the truck. And around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.”
“There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98 percent of people with skin cancer fully recover.”
“Yeah, but it’s not brain cancer. And it shouldn’t stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is.”
“Untrue. The heart is bigger than the skin. If you stretched the heart out, it would cover more than the entire body.”
“Well, apparently, in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would… be… chaos.”

This article was originally published on November 21, 2019