Your Go-To Guide To Pooping On Command

Listen, we’re all friends here. So drop your shame at the proverbial door and come on in — this is a judgment-free zone dedicated to answering one simple question: how to make yourself poop immediately. That’s right; our No. 1 priority is helping you go No. 2. We’ve all suffered from severe constipation at some point, and it’s no fun. If constipation is currently wreaking havoc on your life (and/or colon), you undoubtedly need to know how to make yourself poop on command — or, you know, ASAP. No poop jokes can help you here.

There’s no shame here, remember? This coming from a woman who, when pregnant, would have her husband hand her bottles of prune juice through the bathroom door to chug while sitting on the toilet and praying to the bowel gods to open the gates of hell. And by gates of hell, I clearly mean my then-uncooperative, progesterone-paralyzed, pregnant ass. No one (and especially not me) will judge the fact that you’re Googling “make yourself poop tips” at one in the morning. Trust us, you aren’t alone in your queries. According to the latest search data available, how to make yourself poop is searched for over 33,000 times per month. What all of those people are really asking, though, is how to ease constipation, and that is searched for over 800,000 times a month.

RELATED: How To Stop Diarrhea Quickly, Because No One Has Time For This Crap

People aren’t just searching for shits and giggles (#SorryNotSorry), either. The National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases states that roughly 16 out of every 100 adults have symptoms of constipation. And 33 out of 100 people over the age of 60 experience symptoms of constipation. This is clearly a very common issue.

So, hi, hello, welcome. I’ll be your spirit guide on this sacred journey toward bowel proficiency. Let’s get things moving.

RELATED: Poop, There It Is — Except When You’re Pregnant And Constipated

What are the signs of constipation?

If you’re here, there may very well be no doubt in your mind that you are constipated. But hey, who knows? Perhaps you just suspect you’d benefit from a good B.M. So, first things first, let’s take a look at some tell-tail, er, telltale signs of constipation. Per the Mayo Clinic, these include:

• Hard or lumpy stools
• Straining to have bowel movements
• Feeling as though you can’t completely empty your bowels
• Having fewer than three bowel movements per week

What foods will ease my constipation?

No matter what sort of questionable advice your friends may give you in your time of need, hitting the Taco Bell drive-thru isn’t guaranteed to get your bowels going. A more reliable suggestion? Fiber-filled foods like raspberries, which boast eight grams of fiber per cup, and my old pregnancy favorite, prunes. In fact, one study found that eating roughly 10 prunes a day improves stool frequency. So, if you want to be the A plus pooper we all know you can, add prunes into your diet on a daily basis.

Another helpful fact? Magnesium deficiency is often behind constipation. You can remedy this by popping a handful of pumpkin seed kernels (168mg/1oz), almonds (80mg/1oz), spinach (78mg/1oz), or cashews (74 mg/1oz). You can also take a daily magnesium supplement if all of that doesn’t sound super appealing, and you’d rather just pop a vitamin and go.

Aside from the yummy prune, these are some other foods that help with constipation: pears, apples, kiwi, spinach and other leafy greens, artichoke, beans and lentils, chia seeds, flaxseeds, and whole grains, among others.

Among the superfoods that will relieve your constipation is psyllium husk — a soluble fiber that passes through your small intestine without being broken down or absorbed, making it act like a gentle laxative to relieve constipation. You can find psyllium in over-the-counter supplements like Metamucil (you can get online) or in its raw form at stores like Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods, and many large supermarkets.

If you’re looking for tips to help make pooping easier, cut out food that may cause constipation or stomach irritation. Steer clear of fatty foods, sugary drinks, and alcohol. It also helps to keep your pooping on a schedule. This will train your stomach to use the bathroom regularly. And do not hold in your poop. It’s important to let your bowels move when they need to.

What drinks will make you poop right away?

You’re probably hoping that there is one magic elixir to make all of your problems go away. And, sure, we’re about to rattle off a few possibilities — but you’ll have to experiment to see what combination works best for you. In general, though, you’re going to want to quite literally hydrate the shit out of yourself.

Here’s a fun visual to fuel your night terrors for the foreseeable future. Have you ever tried to slide down a waterslide when you and/or the slide were dry? It’s a non-starter. Now, imagine your poo is you and the slide is your body. The more water you drink, the easier your stool will slide down and out. If you’re pregnant and can’t even keep water down, try the following tricks that have worked for some pregnant women:

• If you can eat peanut butter, do. The paste will dry your mouth and help you take in some important sips of water.
• Try iced water with a straw and some tangy Tazo passion tea — it helps many people keep down sips of water better.
• Go for the fizzy stuff. In general, doctors have noticed carbonated water with citrus flavors seem to stay down better than a glass of plain old water. But if you’re experiencing morning sickness, try to let the water stand so the carbonated drink can go a little flat. Otherwise, it may make you even more nauseous. So, yeah, there’s basically no winning with morning sickness.
• Pour yourself a cup of joe. Naturally, we can’t mention drinks that make you go poop without giving coffee a shout-out. That morning cuppa really does seem to get things moving, so get your java on. Although caffeine frequently gets the credit for this, decaf works too. That’s because any warm beverage can help wake up your bowels — warm drinks act as a vasodilator, widening the blood vessels in the digestive system and increasing blood flow and gastrointestinal activity.

What are the best supplements to help combat constipation?

When my six-year-old can feel a poop beckoning, he says it’s in his “poop pocket.” According to him, we all have one of these. It’s basically your bowels’ waiting room. So, when you suspect your poop pocket is full, you might not feel as though you can wait for all of those dietary changes to kick in. You need relief now, right?

In that case, you might want to consider supplements. Disclaimer: It’s always best to talk to your doctor about the best option for your bowels, especially if you’re pregnant or on medication. But in general, there are a few GI-doctor-recommended things you can take to stimulate action:

• Polyethylene glycol 3350, aka MiraLAX (you can buy it online as well), works because it’s made up of compounds your body can’t digest or absorb. So, it’s got nowhere to go but out if you catch the drift. High doses can cause diarrhea, meaning you’ll want to adjust in small increments until you get the desired effect.
• Psyllium husk, which is the main ingredient found in other OTC products like Metamucil, packs a fiber-filled punch.
• Fenugreek, vitamin C, and probiotics are all also associated with increased bowel activity (we linked to all our favorite supplements you can get online).

How do you push poop out when constipated?

No one likes feeling plugged up. So, when pushing out a poop, it’s important to get into the right position and follow these best pooping practices.

• While on the toilet, breathe from your diaphragm and keep your mouth open. Taking deep breaths puts pressure on the stomach and helps ease the stool out.
• Lean forward when sitting on the toilet and keep your knees above your hips.
• Push down on your waist and stomach. This will help push the poop into the anal canal.
• Make sure your feet are planted on the ground.
• Try your best not to strain yourself and relax your anus. Do not tighten your stomach.
• Before getting on the toilet, give yourself an abdominal massage to stimulate your bowels.
• Try elevating your legs or putting blocks beneath your feet. For some people, this helps get things going.
• It’s also important to sit on the toilet properly. Keep your elbows on your knees and your back straight can be a big help.
• Try sticking your stomach out. This will help stimulate your bowels.
• When pushing, do it with your mouth open. Inhale and make sure you’re taking deep breaths while you push.
• Do a few squats before sitting down to poo. Try doing them over your toilet for a few minutes. This will help get things going and make pushing easier.

What else can I do to help relieve constipation?

• Get active and exercise. This will keep your bowels active.
• Double check any medication you’re taking. Some prescription meds can cause constipation. Look up the side effects.
• Talk to your doctor before using suppositories. This medication is inserted into your rectum and serves as a laxative that’s sometimes more effective than the ones taken by mouth.
• Try drinking hot water or tea between meals. Senna tea is a herbal laxative, and Kombucha tea is filled with probiotics that help with digestion. Peppermint tea is also known to help with bowel issues.
• Add some nuts and seeds to your diet. Pumpkin seeds and roasted cashew and peanuts can help improve your digestive system.

What is slow transit constipation?

By this point, you understand that causes of constipation include not having enough fiber in your diet, dehydration, and a sedentary lifestyle. However, you may also hear the term “slow transit constipation” in connection to your bowel woes. What does this mean? Essentially, your colon has a slower contraction time. And, as you can imagine, that can lead to some serious backup. If you’ve tried literally every suggestion from this article and nothing seems to work, slow transit constipation may be the culprit.

Why is that important to know? Because health conditions such as diabetes and certain thyroid disorder can cause slow transit constipation. In other words, if you really can’t seem to get things moving, it’s best to go ahead and schedule an appointment with your primary care physician or seek a referral to a GI doctor.

Are there any other tools or tricks to help relieve constipation quickly?

One word: exercise. It’s nature’s laxative! If you’re suffering from simple constipation (which is what most of us typically deal with), exercise works wonders to warm up your bowels and get them ready for a mass exodus.

If you’re flexible, you could try a bit of manual stimulation. According to a UCLA study, putting gentle pressure on the perineum might help break up and soften stools. Or, if you’re not flexible (or just aren’t really in the mood to massage your own butt parts), you could try applying moderate pressure and massaging your abdomen. Doing this in a clockwise direction might invigorate your bowels. Your stomach is also usually the most active in the mornings and early afternoons. So, it might help to use the bathroom then if you can.

And, finally, there’s always the Squatty Potty. Generically known as a defecation postural modification device, this little stool sits at the base of the toilet. When you pop a squat to try taking a poo, you place your feet on this stool to raise your knees up. In turn, this relaxes the muscles and elevates your colon in a way that makes it easier to empty your bowels. Skeptical? Don’t be. A 2019 study found that Squatty Potties “positively influenced BM duration, straining patterns, and complete evacuation of bowels.”

We sh*t you not.