How Love And Marriage Changes After Children
The differences in the way my marriage looked before we had children and how it looks now that we have two sons are stark and obvious. Our attention is divided among tiny people clamoring for our attention. Time is short. Patience is thinner. And we’re exhausted all the freaking time.
At first glance, love after kids can sometimes seem a little stale, like a funky beer that was left out of the fridge too long. But while the love might not be as new and fresh and exciting as it once was, in many ways love after children is richer and more satisfying, like a heady cabernet aged to perfection.
Before children, love was long-standing Saturday night dates and lazy Sunday mornings in bed. After children, love is planning a date for weeks only to spend the night eating takeout while watching Netflix because the babysitter canceled or one of the kids got sick.
Before children, PDA was dirty dancing in a nightclub or canoodling in dark corners of bars. After children, PDA is dancing too close in the kitchen on a Friday night and sneaking a long kiss or ass-grabbing before the kids start screaming, “Eww! Gross!”
Before children, love was sappy Hallmark cards with long, handwritten love letters. After children, love is a Post-It note left on the nightstand that says, “I took the kids for donuts so you could sleep in,” or a text in the middle of the afternoon that says, “I’ll do the laundry tonight.”
Before children, love was spontaneous sexy time that rivals most endurance sports. After children, love is a quickie in the bathroom while the kids play Wii.
Before children, love was going for a long run together on a Saturday afternoon and then stopping at the health food store for a kale smoothie on the way home. After children, love is taking the kids to the gym, putting them in the free childcare, sitting in the sauna, and pretending to work out.
Before children, love was sometimes anger, loud fights, and spitting out words you wish you could take back, followed by long conversations, making up, and forgiving each other because you know your spouse’s heart is good and pure. After children, love is sometimes anger, loud fights, and spitting out words you wish you could take back, but not getting a chance to actually talk about things until three days later, and by that point, you’re too tired to talk and you can’t even remember why you were mad in the first place so you just kiss and make up, forgiving each other because you know your spouse’s heart is good and pure
Before children, love was his-and-hers bathrooms. After children, love is giving your wife some time in your shared and cramped bathroom so that she can pee alone even though you’ve seen not just pee, but a couple of babies, blood, and who-knows-what-else, come out from down there during childbirth.
Before children, love was thinking your husband would make a great father. After children, love is knowing your husband actually is a great father.
Before children, love was long and impassioned debates about politics and whether Arrested Development or Curb Your Enthusiasm is funnier. After children, love is long and impassioned debates about 529 plans and whether Caillou or Daniel Tiger is more annoying.
Before children, love was watching a football game on a Sunday afternoon sprawled out on the couch with a beer in one hand and a bag of chips in the other. After children, love is watching your daughter’s basketball game before racing to see your son’s hockey game so that your wife can have lunch with her friends.
Before children, love was long conversations dreaming about the future. After children, love is quick texts coordinating who will pick the kids up from daycare that afternoon.
Before children, love was forgiveness, hope, fun, hard work, friendship, and unwavering faith in each other. After children, love is forgiveness, hope, fun, hard work, friendship, and unwavering faith in each other.
Before children, love was two people in love. After children, love is two people who built a family still madly in love.
