All The Things You Think About While Getting An Annual Mammogram

Ah, mammograms. One of the least fun parts about getting older. At my recent annual mammogram appointment, I kept a running list of all the things I thought about, from the completely banal to the downright neurotic. Turns out — when awkwardly standing with your boob smushed down by a large piece of plastic — you really only have your thoughts to get you through. To be clear, this is what you think about when going in for routine visits. I can only imagine what you’re thinking of while in a diagnostic appointment. With that in mind, here’s a window into my brain during those 15 minutes of fun.

Is this machine gonna hit me on the head while it’s rotating?

Does the technician think I smell? Because it’s hot out and I didn’t have have time to shower but they told me not to wear deodorant.

They really should put bright colors on the walls...

... Or maybe 90s heartthrobs on the machines to jazz it up.

I wonder how men get mammograms without a lot of breast tissue?

Huh, I look good in pink, even baby pink.

I’d really like a Diet Coke or mimosa right about now.

I’m so nervous.

This technician is a saint to willingly put women through pain every day for their own good.

Did I defrost anything for dinner?

I have to remember to put on deodorant on after this.

Whoever designed these nipple stickers was definitely a man.

I really should get my parents to write down a family medical tree.

This is awesome technology, but is this all they got?

I think it’s time to repaint our walls.

If someone would let me loose in the waiting room, I’d make that place look a lot more feminine and fun.

They really should have TVs in here playing “Dawson’s Creek” or something.

What do you do if you’re a tall woman with one of these machines — duck?

Actually this does hurts, but my people-pleasing personality is stopping me from saying anything.

What’s it like to have a job where you squish boobs all day? Is it boring? Or like, “That was a great set of boobs day!”

I’m stopping at Target on my home and getting some new sheets.

If they find something will I know because they make a worried face?