9 Things You Should Not Say To Your Childfree Friends

Most people would probably agree that a person’s medical history and decisions are no one’s business but their own. And yet, any kind of right to privacy or autonomy seems to fly out the window when it comes to women’s reproductive health. For some reason, everyone — from politicians to family members and even strangers — believes they’re entitled to express their own opinions about what goes on in someone else’s uterus and weigh in on a woman’s decisions regarding when, how, and whether to become a mother.

As a society, we still view motherhood as a foregone conclusion for women — a question not of if someone wants to have children, but when. That’s why, upon finding out that a woman does not have children of her own, a disturbing number of people feel compelled to press them for more information, asking intrusive questions that, in any other context, would be socially unacceptable.

Sure, the people asking questions, sharing their opinions, and offering unsolicited advice may mean well, or may simply be making conversation, but that doesn’t make it right or any less infuriating for those on the receiving end of the remarks. So, what kinds of things do the childfree hear? Scary Mommy spoke with five women without kids to find out.

What to Avoid Saying to Your Childfree Friends

As a general rule, it’s best to avoid commenting on someone’s body and what goes on inside of it (with a few exceptions, like “Your hair is on fire”). This includes the following examples that childfree women — both married and single — routinely hear.

1. “When are you having children?”

This is a question that Randi C., a childfree 40-year-old therapist from Westchester County, New York, is tired of hearing. It positions motherhood as being inevitable for women, which, for a variety of reasons — including choice, fertility issues, miscarriage, timing, and other circumstances — isn’t the case. “It’s difficult to hear these things because not every woman is born to have children, has the maternal instinct, or has the circumstances to raise a healthy child in a warm and loving environment,” she says.

2. "Didn't you ever want children?"

Denise D., 59, of Ohio, is childfree by circumstance and says this is the "number one most annoying and unacceptable" question she gets. Why is it so irritating? According to Dahl, it assumes 1) that she's never been pregnant, 2) that not having kids equals not wanting kids, and 3) that she feels like sharing very personal, occasionally painful information with someone she often barely knows. "It is also on occasion conveyed in a manner or tone within a conversation that my worth is diminished because I don't have children, even though participants within the conversation have no idea of how I've contributed to humanity through work, relationships, etc.," she explains.

3. "Your life must feel so empty." // "Your life will feel so much fuller when you have kids." // "Having children is so rewarding."

Dahl, as well as A.C., 31, of Philadelphia, have been on the receiving end of these statements. While they might be true for some people, not everyone feels this way. It also completely overlooks the fact that even if having children is rewarding for someone, that doesn’t erase the sacrifices a person makes being a parent — even if it’s worth it. This could mean giving up on career goals, hobbies, time for socializing, or self-care. We don’t all find the same things rewarding, and that’s OK! Also, this is another one that can sting for those who are childfree by circumstance and really do want children of their own.

4. “Who is going to take care of you?”

When you don’t have kids, people aren’t only preoccupied with you and your empty uterus today; they’re also concerned about how you’ll fare in the future, as Shanna K. —a 39-year-old from the Midwest who describes herself as “very intentionally childfree” — has found out. “Having kids for the purpose of caring for you is a wild thing to do,” she says. “That takes away their agency, and basically makes procreation a type of indentured servitude.” As she points out, the fact that our society does not have meaningful and effective ways of caring for people who are aging and/or disabled is not the fault of younger generations.

5. "You'll get there someday."

A.C. is also tired of this one — especially because she wants to have kids. "Finding a partner who is ready for the commitment of marriage and children is incredibly difficult," she says. "My friends with children don't know how lucky they are to be where they are today. I'm also already constantly thinking of my ticking biological clock, so these comments add unnecessary pressure."

6. “Don’t you want a family?” // “Don’t you think you’ll get lonely and regret not having kids?”

Randi C. has heard these gems as well. These questions are based on the assumption that having children is required in order to have a “real” family—which apparently is also the only way to prevent loneliness. In reality, a couple without kids is a family, as is a group of friends who serve as each other’s chosen family, as well as the family we’re born into. But beyond its narrow concept of a family, this question can be especially painful for those who do actually want to have children but aren’t able to because of fertility challenges or other circumstances.

7. “You have no idea what it’s like to be tired.”

No one doubts that parenting is exhausting, but that doesn’t make you an expert on other people’s lived experiences. And, as Randi C. points out, comments like this one can make childfree people feel like failures. “Despite the evolution of feminism, we know that many women find their value in motherhood, and some may wonder why they don’t,” she says. “When you make a comment to a woman who chose her career over motherhood, you insult her integrity and make her question if she’s made the right decision.”

8. “You don’t want to be an old lady raising kids.”

This one manages to simultaneously shame childfree women and older moms, and Kel M., a 28-year-old from Maryland, is tired of hearing it. “Others have opinions that they project onto you,” she says. “Sometimes it feels like they — particularly family — say things just to soothe themselves. And maybe if I decide to be a mom, I want to be an old mom if that means I’m giving my child a mostly present, grounded, attuned, and healed mom.”

9. “But you’d make such a good mother.”

Countless childfree women have received this quasi-compliment. Sure, the person is probably just trying to say something nice, but there are a million other positive things you can say to someone that don’t involve weighing in on their reproductive status. If you’re ever tempted to say this, keep in mind that the person may not be a mother because they’ve experienced infertility, miscarriage, or financial insecurity. “The reality is that you never know what someone is going through and why they have made the choices they have made,” Randi C. says. “My advice is to mind your business and be sensitive to other circumstances and life choices.”