I’ve Spent Hours Worrying About My In-Laws' Potential Response To Our Holiday Plans

‘Tis the season for boundary setting! That’s the saying, right? Well, at least it is for me and my therapist. Every holiday season the same stressors start coming up for me and it’s just now in my 40th year that I’m finally able to recognize the patterns. For years, I’ve spent hours worrying about my in-laws' potential response to our holiday plans. And this year my mantra is clear: I am doing my best. And if my best is not good enough for you, that is not my problem.

I’ve done the people-pleasing thing in the past. I’ve said yes to gatherings that didn’t work for our family and ended up hosting events that flipped me upside down. But at this point in my life — lots of kids and several years later — I am setting a boundary and I refuse to feel bad about it.

My husband and I grew up with different traditions and then we started our own family. So of course, blending groups of people and trying to find things that work and feel special for everyone isn’t easy.

I watched my own mother bend over backwards for years trying to accommodate an older generation of in-laws and extended family members. And to be honest, it never really worked. Sure, I think they all had a good time, but it was certainly at the expense of my mother’s sanity. She cooked and cleaned for hours and then shuffled around the house making sure cups were filled and plates whisked away. All these years later, I realize how much she took on. How much of her energy it took to entertain these people who were neither her husband nor her children on a day that maybe should have been more about the five of us.

So I won’t do it. Life is chaotic and noisy, and I want to minimize some of that noise so I can focus on quality time with my kids while they’re little. And if I spend the whole season appeasing people, I won’t be able to do that.

And with this boundary comes the acknowledgement that I am not exactly what everyone might want me to be. I am not an excellent host. I do not love to cook and I am absolutely not relaxed or enjoying myself with a houseful of extended family members. I like my extended family time to be in small-ish doses. So it was hard for me when I was expected, years ago, to do celebratory weekends, complete with sleepovers and matching pajamas at my in-laws. Or when weekly Sunday night dinners are suggested as a fun, bonding opportunity.

I also generally like to be home with my family after 6pm. And I love Sunday afternoons to be a bit slow and lazy to allow my kids to wind down before another week starts. And, yes, I am also a bit anti-social and too many plans stress me out. I get that these things about me are hard for some people, especially around the holidays. My in-laws, for example. I know they wish I was different. And that is okay.

Because this year, I am working on being okay with disapproval. I know that my life is currently chaotic with lots of little kids, and my sanity and happiness is very important to the functionality of my family. So when I set a boundary this holiday season — when I decide that one gathering is better than four or that we are leaving at 6 rather than 8 — just know that I am doing my best. That whatever I am offering you, it’s the most I have to give you this year. And I hope that is enough. If it’s not... oh well!