In Defense Of The Needy Friend

A few years ago, a friend of mine was going through a really hard time. She was a single mother with two young kids and was struggling financially. Then, she went through a bad breakup with her boyfriend. There were mornings when she’d call me before six crying. She had a hard time keeping her mind off things, and couldn’t stand down time. She had to be constantly busy, and would call me constantly, even if I didn’t pick up.

It got to be too much and I told her I needed space from the friendship. Looking back, I wasn’t being empathetic to her situation. I ended up losing a good friend who just needed a little more from me than I could give. I handled it poorly; I didn’t understand why she couldn’t just pull herself together and get through this without so much help.

I should have told her I was feeling suffocated in a kind way; I could have set a stronger boundary by explaining I was tapped out but I would call her when I could.

The reason I just bowed out of the friendship was because I hadn’t been through anything as hard as she was going through. But then I did.

A few years later I found myself in a similar situation. I felt desperate and alone and I wasn’t sure where to turn. I was a mess, crying all the time, not able to sleep or eat, and I really wasn’t myself at all. It was the most humbling year of my life and I thought about her often. There were days when I wondered if it was karma; payback for not handling the situation with her right. I’ve since reached out to her and we’ve mended our friendship. I apologized and so did she. While I felt better about the way I treated her, I vowed to never, ever abandon a friend who was going through a needy period again.

I’ve been able to try again: There’s another woman in my life now who is going through a hard time and my attitude about it all is completely different. I have stronger boundaries but I express them with kindness so I don’t feel resentful. I am so grateful that I’m in a sturdy place so I can help her. I’m grateful that I got through my hard time and I can share what I’ve been through with her and reassure her that what she’s going through now is temporary. It feels good,and so much better than walking away from someone when they were going through the darkest period of their life.

I’m not proud of what I did to my friend, but I am proud of what it taught me: that handling it the way I did doesn’t feel good and doesn’t work for me, that I can do better and be a better friend, and that needy friends are always needy forever and they will always remember who stuck by them when they were going through a hard time.

So in defense of a needy friend: I know it can be difficult to navigate, but there might be a time when you are the needy friend. And you’ll be so thankful to have someone in your corner, too.

Katie lives in Maine with her three kids, two ducks, and a Goldendoodle. When she’s not writing, she’s reading, at the gym, redecorating her home, or spending too much money online.