How Often Couples ‘Should’ Have Sex, According To Sexperts

People toss around a lot of questions about sex. What position is best? How do you introduce role play? Is my body supposed to make that noise?! But as someone on the internet who fields a lot of sex content from both writers and readers, I feel fairly confident in saying one question seems to surface far more than any other: How often do couples have sex? Which is really to say, how often should couples have sex?

It makes sense. We’re all sort of hardwired to wonder if the things we’re doing in our lives are quote-unquote normal, and the kneejerk reaction is to compare that to others. In some ways, I find that oddly comforting — like, how human is it for us, in moments as vulnerable as this, to look to one another for reassurance?

But it also makes sense that, when it comes to sex, you might prefer to keep your stats private or to get your intel without having to ask around, i.e., Hi, hello, how are you doing? Would you like a cup of tea? And oh yeah, how often do you and your partner have sex? So, to spare you the extra work (and possible awkward silences), I reached out to sex therapists, certified sexologists, and other intimacy experts to find out if there’s such a thing as a magic number when it comes to frequency.

How often do couples have sex, on average?

As much as we naturally crave a concrete number to tell us whether we’re on the right track, the reality is there is no such number when it comes to sex frequency. Every couple is different, and what works for some may not work for others.

However, we do have some data surrounding averages. “If you look at studies, they all say about the same. A study published in 2017, which looked at sexual frequency among Americans between 1989 and 2014, established that the average adult has sex 54 times a year, so about once a week. Another study from 2019, which looked at people in relationships, found that people have sex three times a month on average,” points out Sofie Roos, licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at Passionerad.

But while once a week may be the average, it doesn’t mean something’s wrong with your relationship if you aren’t hitting that mark — or that your relationship is somehow superior if you’re exceeding it.

Certified sex therapist and relationship expert Dr. Emma J. Smith emphasizes, “There’s no universal ‘ideal’ number of times couples should be having sex. Research from the Kinsey Institute suggests that beyond three times per week, the benefits plateau — meaning more frequent sex doesn’t necessarily equate to greater happiness.”

Sexologist Dr. Trina Read, co-host of The Sensational Sex Podcast and author of Sex Boot Camp and The Sex Course, agrees, pointing out that “normal” is a moving target: “A couple's sex is constantly evolving, and the number of times a couple will be able to have mutually satisfying sex will always fluctuate, which throws the majority of couples off.”

She elaborates, “What we know from large-scale sex research is that sexual frequency for the average couple is a bit less than once per week — three times per month. If you're in the 35- to 45-year-old age range, it's more likely to happen twice per month. A third of people under the age of mid-40s haven't had any sex at all in the last month. Meaning it's normal not to be having any sex, too.”

Is there some other metric that couples can go by?

In a perfect world, says Read, instead of couples using other couples’ sex lives as a barometer for their own sexual happiness, they’d do three things: “Trust and embrace their sexual rhythm; discuss how much sex works for them in that time of their life; and do workarounds during seasons of life that put sex on the back burner — like pregnancy and perimenopause.”

Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Fleshy and author of Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject, notes that since it’s possible those who are already more satisfied with their relationships are likely to have more sex. “It’s not necessarily important for couples to have sex at least once a week,” she says.

According to Weiss, a better metric is communication. “I’d say the most important thing regarding sexual frequency is to talk about it,” she says. “Share with your partner how often you’d ideally like to have sex, and have them share the same. You’ll know you’re having the right amount of sex when neither person feels resentful or frustrated over a lack of sex or pressured to have more sex than they want.”

Does worrying about frequency just set you up for failure?

If the studies on social media and mental health over the last decade have taught us anything, it’s that comparison is the thief of joy. The same logic applies here.

“Worrying about frequency really comes down to social comparison or fantasy. People often get ideas about how much sex they should be having from others or from what their undiscussed expectations were in the relationship. Sometimes, they even gauge long-term relationship sexual frequency by what they used to do when they were in the early stages of their relationships,” says Dr. Candice Nicole Hargons, award-winning sex therapist and author of Good Sex.

But sexual desire — and the amount of sex you have — is fluid. You ultimately just want to make sure your relationship has what Hargons calls “erotic equity,” meaning you both feel satisfied.

“That's a normal part of any long-term relationship, and it doesn't automatically mean something is wrong,” Hargons says, suggesting, “When any partner is having sex that doesn't feel good to them, that is something you want to address. Even if there is just a normal discrepancy, talking about what underlying need sex meets can really help ... Finding other non-sexual ways to attend to their desires can be a fun way to grow together.”