55 Funny New Year's Resolutions To Usher In 2024

Remember all the naive and enthusiastic jokes we made about having that 2023 vision board as the hellscape that was 2022 rolled over and gave way to a fresh set of 365 days? How woefully clueless we were, huh? This past year hasn’t been much better and, if we’re being honest, all too often felt like it would never end. Except now it is! We are on the precipice of a brand new year, but so help us, Kris Jenner, we are not going into it with that “you’re doing amazing, sweetie” attitude. No, we are meeting 2024 with more wisdom and enough sarcasm to weather whatever sh*tstorm this new year has waiting for us. And that kind of mindset means we have had to adjust our goals for the New Year a bit. A little less “new year, new me” and more “you have to earn my respect, 2024!”

To soothe your soul and put a smile on your face, we’ve gone ahead and listed some funny New Year’s resolutions that are more fitting for the roaring twenties we’re actually experiencing versus what we thought we would. Hope they inspire you to write your own hilarious resolutions that you definitely don’t have to keep beyond New Year’s Eve.

Funny New Year’s Resolutions for 2024

1. Stop doom scrolling on Twitter.
2. Live my best life and only buy pants with no buttons or zippers.
3. Cultivate the confidence of Kanye West without the tone-deafness of Kanye West.
4. Go vegan for six months and inevitably give up.
5. Stock up on fresh fruits and vegetables — and eat them before they turn into green mystery goop in the back of the fridge.
6. Sign up for a marathon that I bravely will not actually run.
7. Unfollow all the Kardashians but kontinue to keep up.
8. Remember to make overnight oats the night before even though I know I won’t want to eat them in the morning.
9. Go on a vitamin and supplement shopping spree and finish at least one bottle before I give up.
10. Buy all leftover 2023 calendars and burn them.
11. Go outside. In the *gulp* fresh air.
12. Pick movies on Netflix swiftly and decisively so that, you know, I actually hit play before falling asleep.
13. Turn all my high-heeled shoes into flats.
14. Refuse to acknowledge the entirety of 2023 during social gatherings.
15. Manage to go the entire year without accidentally telling someone random on the phone “Love you” as the call ends. Although the scheduler from my dentist’s office did seem to appreciate it.
16. Never take HomeGoods trips for granted ever again.
17. Unfriend every person who shares their unsolicited diet or exercise regimen.
18. Take more days off and burn Slack off my phone when I do.
19. Become the GOAT at sarcasm.
20. Follow Gina Linetti’s advice and turn my tweets into a book.
21. Stop buying up all the butternut squash gnocchi at Trader Joe’s as soon as they restock. Leave some for the other shoppers.
22. Share my New Year’s Eve champagne.
23. Have eyebrows as symmetrical as a Wes Anderson movie.
24. Keep kicking ass and taking names, because detailed record-keeping is important.
25. Do so much yoga that it actually justifies wearing yoga pants 24/7.
26. Make so many baked goods for my besties that they start calling me Martha Stewart.
27. Read more (or at least turn the subtitles on while binge-watching TV).
28. Carefully read all of the directions on a box of food before throwing it away so that I don’t have to go garbage diving midway through making Hamburger Helper.
29. Come to terms with the fact that John Mayer is almost 50.
30. Don’t text that toxic person back. You know the one. We all have one.
31. Fart in front of my squad with no shame.
32. Stop making lists that include making more lists.
33. Eat more tacos.
34. Wield every spare wrapping paper tube I come across as a makeshift lightsaber.
35. Stay in the bathroom while I brush my teeth.
36. Stop drinking orange juice after I’ve brushed my teeth.
37. Stop daring people to lick frozen flagpoles.
38. Be OK with having to make more than one trip from the car to bring in groceries. The human arm can only hold so much.
39. Floss every day — and not just with wild abandon in the week leading up to a cleaning.
40. Find more reasons to use the word “verisimilitude.”
41. Book that bougie trip, girl.
42. Actually put on a full outfit for Zoom calls (although let’s be real, business-on-top-PJs-below never hurt anyone).
43. Get waxed without feeling obligated to make awkward small talk.
44. Stop forcing my family to make New Year’s Resolutions. Word to the wise: Eight-year-olds DGAF.
45. When meeting with friends, I will stop telling the same jokes. Or I’ll make new friends.
46. I will stop saying “Mmmm, how nice” during the inspection at the airport. It seems that this is only provoking them.
47. I will drink more. Benjamin Franklin seems to have said that beer is proof of God’s love.
48. Give up blaming the family dog for every strange smell in the house (especially when I know it came from me).
49. Refrain from lurking awkwardly in front of a can of peas at the grocery store for 10 minutes, pretending to read the gosh damn Le Sueur label for the 100th time, just because someone has their cart parked in front of the canned veggies I actually need. I will go around. And circle back. You know, in a less lurky way.
50. Read the books I bring to the beach. But, for real.
51. Harness every bit of willpower I have to not hit the elevator button repeatedly in a futile attempt to make it go faster.
52. Tell the doctor the truth when they ask how many drinks — alcoholic or caffeinated — I have in a month.
53. Belt out every Taylor Swift song I hear all year long. No shame. No regrets.
54. Give my pups more pep talks.
55. Stop.Googling.Symptoms.