So Many Mom Friendships Are Stuck In The "Catch-Up Trap”
I felt like I was just recapping my life back to somebody, as opposed to living it with them.”
“Hey! How have you been?” “Oh, the kids are starting up baseball soon.” “Well, we had a little stay-cation for their school break.” “You know, we’ve actually been thinking about repainting the bathroom.”
Sound familiar? If the answer is yes, you and your friends might’ve fallen into in the “catch-up trap.”
It can be difficult to keep up with your friendships as an adult, whether you’re busy with life and kids and careers, or you’ve found yourself doing long distance with an old bestie. But, that doesn’t mean they have to be boring!
On the Life Uncut podcast, comedian Tanya Hennessy unpacked the phenomenon plaguing adult friendships with hosts Laura Byrne and Brittany Hockley.
Byrne shared her frustration with the surface-level conversations that occur when you and your friends try to squeeze in an obligatory group hang.
“All I do is have these endless conversations about, ‘What's been going on in your life,’ ‘How are you?’ ‘So nice to see you,’ whilst I'm also trying to do 50 other things,” she said.
Hennessey went on to explain exactly why these conversations feel so unfulfilling.
“I was just seeing friends, and the conversation was literally just a recap. I felt like I was just recapping my life back to somebody, as opposed to living it with them,” she said.
This is the essence of the “catch-up trap” — you’re only ever filling each other in on your separate lives, and hardly ever spending time creating new memories together.
“I sometimes think it's a bit dumpy, they're like, ‘Oh, these are the problems in my life,’ and I’m like, ‘Oh, my God, I also have problems!’ And then it just becomes a back and forth,” Hennessey continued. “And I was like, I gotta go to the zoo or something. You know what I mean? Like, let's go do pottery. Let's go feel something together. Let's have a shared experience.”
Byrne agreed, adding “I always walk away from it feeling like dissatisfied in the quality of the friendship, not the friendship itself, but like, of what I was able to give.”
If you’ve found yourself in this predicament, however, not all is lost. Hennessey explained that your friendship didn’t dry up, but it might be in need of a little revitalization.
“Do we need to do something as a shared memory to actually evolve our friendship forward?” she asked.
Commenters shared some of the ways they shook their bad catch-up habit.
“My friend and I literally had this conversation last night,” one user said. “We have made a conscious effort to do things and create memories together, last night we went to a pottery class and I never have laughed so hard.”
“Whenever people want to have a catch up, I tell them we can talk over an activity,” said another. “Waiting on good weather to go snorkeling with a friend, another one we went bowling, tomorrow we're doing dungeons and dragons at the opera house then going to an escape room after, then pin grub where we can talk.”
“Love this chat, ‘catch up’ friendships feel more exhausting than meaningful. I want to do life with my friends!!!” another user shared.
As a parent, it can feel overwhelming to add another activity to your to-do list, but your friendships will certainly benefit in the long run.
