To The Couples Who Share A Facebook Account, We Have Questions

Dear Joint Facebook Account Holders,

This isn’t going to be fun for you, I’m afraid. You know how it feels when a stranger points out the huge chunk of spinach you’ve had stuck in your teeth all day? Yah, maybe a little like that.

But once you’re done being pissy at me, I hope you realize that I’m the kind of person who would let you know if you had toilet paper stuck to your shoe. I am here to speak the truth that literally everyone else is thinking, so maybe consider that before you totally flip your shit in the comments section, mmkay?

Let’s jump right in, shall we?

Who cheated?

Don’t look at me that way, SuzyandBobby AreMarried. Unless that’s the name your mama gave you (in which case, I am so sorry), there is literally no excuse for grown ass people to be presenting themselves to the world like this. Last I checked, Comcast hasn’t secretly merged with Facebook, and that means Facebook Buddy Bundles aren’t a thing. And since you know there are rules against this merged identity nonsense, and you went through ridiculous effort to skirt those rules…we’re all wondering why.

Maybe, it was an accident. You do realize when Facebook asks for the name on your license, they mean your actual ID, right? Not that airbrushed “JeffAndKitty” specialty tag y’all bought in Panama City Beach. Oh, you knew that.

So, we are back to trust issues. To be frank, your public parade of paranoia is making everyone you know uncomfortable.

“Trust issues?” you might protest. “We don’t have trust issues!”

Sure, StacyAndChad.

If that’s your story, we will accept it, but there are plenty more problems that your joint account is causing and you need to sit down for a minute to hear about it.

Like, first of all, who the hell are we even talking to right now? I’m gonna need you to do a voice verification or “I’m not robot” exercise or something. Or am I supposed to jump right in and assume it’s you, girlfriend?

Okay.

“Hey, girl! Remember that time you hooked up with your insurance guy and thought you were pregnant for like two days, but it turned out to be a bad burrito? OMG, that was hilarious. Good times, good times.”

“Hey, this is Suzy’s husband.”

“Oh. Shit. Can you just tell Suzy to reach out sometime?”

THIS WHOLE THING IS AWKWARD AF.

So, if nobody cheated, and this was all part of the plan, that begs the question: Is this how y’all operate IRL? Because if so, oof. That seems problematic. If you’re on a date and the server asks if you want a little cheese, does he decline on your behalf and say “no thanks, I don’t like cheese?” If you can’t make it to the OBGYN for your annual, does he go in your place because SAMESIES?

No? That sounds absurd, right?

Because you are two different people with different friends, families, lives, humor, and OBGYNs?

But my partner doesn’t get online often! But we share all the same family and friends! But his work doesn’t want him to have a Facebook account!

Dear lord. *sips tea*

First of all, being on Facebook isn’t exactly a life requirement. So, if your partner is wishy-washy about maintaining a social media presence then–gasp!–they can go without one.

Secondly, if you share literally all of the same friends and family, that’s some Stepford-level weirdness, but okay. That being the case, your relationships with your friends and family are still unique and merit a healthy bit of separation.

And let’s circle back to your partner’s job. Who doesn’t allow people to have Facebook accounts? Is that legally enforceable? You might wanna look into that whole excuse, because it smells like shadiness. But let’s say he’s in the CIA or something…I mean, couldn’t he just use an alias on his own account? I don’t think your ChipandJoanna Gaines account is gonna slide past the Secret Service unnoticed.

Look, joint Facebook account holders. It’s long past time to put an end to this nonsense.

We all know this is about reading each other’s messages and filtering each other’s friend requests and generally smothering one another’s social lives. It’s clear that one of you swerved outside the lane in some kind of way and got busted. Sorry for you, but this is weird for all of us on the outside, and if my saying so is making you angry…so be it.

But do me a favor, okay? If you feel the need to rage at me in the comments section, could you sign your actual name so I know who the hell I’m talking to?

Because honestly, JosephSaraMarie Smith, it’s just a little fucking convoluted.