Welcome to Ask A MWLTF (Yes, that’s Mother Who Likes to F*ck), a monthly anonymous advice column from Scary Mommy. Here we’ll dissect all your burning questions about motherhood, sex, romance, intimacy, and friendship with the help of our columnist, Penelope, a writer and mental health practitioner in training. She’ll dish out her most sound advice for parents on the delicate dance of raising kids without sacrificing other important relationships. Email her at askpenelope@scarymommy.com.

Dear MWLF,

I won't say the thought of bringing something new into our very domesticated sex life doesn't have a certain appeal.

A few weeks ago, my husband asked me if I'd be up for a double date. He'd made a new friend through the tennis team he joined, and we'd enjoy getting to know him and his wife. They were parents of two young kids, like us, lived in a neighboring suburb, and worked in similar fields. "Also," he added, "They're fun." In retrospect, I guess I should have asked what he meant by "fun." Fun as in funny? Fun as in up for seeing a late act at our favorite music venue or a raunchy comedy show? It wasn't until about two-thirds of the way through our double date at my favorite sushi place that I got the gist of what my husband was referring to. The waiter had just brought out another round of sake and Sapporo when the wife asked, "So, how long have you two been into the swinging scene?" I nearly choked on my sashimi. The woman acted embarrassed. She'd just assumed… I turned bright red and looked from her to her husband to my husband. Then I did something I can't really explain. I responded, "Oh, not too long. I guess we're still fairly new to it."

The wife smiled. "Isn't it great?"

Nothing kinky happened that night besides me yelling expletives at my husband through a closed bathroom door while he was trying to use the toilet. "Who the hell did he think he was, springing that on me? Had he ever heard of a thing called communication?"

He apologized profusely. He wasn't trying to pressure or trick me into his swinging situation. However, it was something he'd become interested in. He'd heard it could really super-charge a couple's sex life without the complications of exploring extramarital adventure solo. Would I at least consider it?

I told him I would. And so I am. On the one hand, the term "swinging" itself brings to mind tawdry, seventies key parties, not a thing I find particularly alluring. On the other hand, I won't say the thought of bringing something new into our very domesticated sex life doesn't have a certain appeal. I generally try to be good, giving, and game, within reason. But is it reasonable — and wise — for responsible, married parents of two young kids to experiment with having extramarital sex as a couple? I don't know whether to feel angry at my husband for bringing it up, excited at the prospect, or a little of both. Help?

Dear a Little of Both,

It seems to me you may be feeling all of the above, and I wouldn't blame you. Swinging, a type of non-monogamy in which people in committed relationships have sex with other couples for fun, may be more mainstream than ever, but it's still not the sort of proposition you spring on a spouse in front of other people — much less on sushi-night. Your husband should have brought up his idea of an orgy with his new friends in private and at a time when you could think it over without having an eager new potential partner making eyes at you across the table. That said, the fact that he's apologized for and you've forgiven his impulsive timing, and that you now feel pulled to consider this spicy proposition, bodes well for the state of your relationship. Now, to the bigger question: Do you or don't you — and if you do, what does that mean for your identity as a wife and mother?

As you probably already know, "good, giving, and game" is a term coined by the love and sex columnist Dan Savage on his podcast, Savage Love. He uses the term to describe a sexually excellent partner who is good in bed (good being a quality that develops with practice and patience), giving (as in willing to focus as much on their partner's pleasure as much as their own), and game (that is, game to try new sexual activities or kinks to satisfy a partner's desire, even when they might not have come up of the idea on their own). The term's now used widely, but I was intrigued recently, listening to Savage on another podcast explain how people using it often leave off the last phrase in the slogan. The idea, he clarified, is "good, giving, and game, within reason."

For some people, the idea of having sex with another couple might feel a little different, a little exciting, a little bit transgressive, but ultimately like an erotic adventure that could add some zest to a monogamous partnership. For other people, it could feel emotionally dangerous and physically unappealing. Where you are on that continuum is a question only you can answer, and one that you must answer for yourself before you can decide if it's time to go shopping for some lacy, red lingerie. Expanding your comfort zone a tiny bit to satisfy a partner's desires inside a safe and loving relationship makes you an excellent partner. Crossing your own personal boundaries to make someone else happy, husband or otherwise, is a recipe for resentment or worse.

It's a big decision, and there's no right or wrong answer. But rest assured, should you decide a partner swap is something you'd like to try, the decision doesn't make you a bad mom any more than any privately practiced sex act between consenting adults would. All people, even moms, deserve a private life. There's nothing wrong with hiring a sitter and telling your kids that Saturday is Mom and Dad's date night. You're not under any obligation to provide them, or anyone, with the details of exactly what that involves.