9 Murphy's Laws of Newborns

We’re all victims of Murphy’s Law from time to time — you know, the old adage that states if something can go wrong, it will go wrong. Usually it involves losing our keys on a day we’re running super late or discovering we’ve forgotten our wallets at home right after the cashier has scanned all 153 grocery items and asked for payment. And usually, it only happens once in a while.

Well, not when you have a newborn. When you have a newborn, it happens ALL. THE. TIME., and it goes a little something like this:

1. Immediately after you’ve changed baby’s diaper, you discover he’s dropped a massive bomb in there. And I’m not talking about a cute little baby turd. I’m talking grown man doodie — the kind of poo only a night of bad Mexican food, strong margaritas, cheap beer, and an ill-advised pack of cigarettes will earn you. And what’s worse, it’s all up baby’s back, too.

2. Your husband says baby has been sweet as pie — for him. But as soon as you get home from frantically running errands and trying not to fall asleep at stoplights, baby starts to scream bloody murder as horror scenes from Curse of Chucky flash through your mind. Moms have all the luck.

3. Baby has spent the entire afternoon smiling and cooing — until you get out the camera. Suddenly she looks like she’s straining to shit a cactus and appears to be competing for her black belt, she’s kicking and flailing so much. Whatever. Friends and family will just have to take your word for it that you did, in fact, birth a cute baby and not the elusive Sasquatch’s lovechild. I don’t care what the blurry blob on your holiday card suggests.

4. You’ve spent hours futilely trying to keep baby from napping so he’ll sleep at night when you finally give up and decide to take a much-needed shower. But as soon as you step in and your toes feel the celestial warmth of angels’ tears spraying from the shower head, baby unleashes a shriek so alarming you’re certain someone has severed his arms or legs. You narrowly escape slipping to your own death as you quickly redress and rush to his rescue, only to discover he’s fallen back asleep, limbs intact. It’s OK. Bathing is overrated.

5. Just when you’ve wrangled baby into that cute and expensive outfit you’ve been dying to put on her, she spits up. As if spending 30 minutes wrestling an octopus into clothing wasn’t bad enough, now it’s covered in foul-smelling infant puke, and the kind even a quart of OxiClean can’t remove. Maybe brown stains will be the new black this season. One can only hope.

6. You’ve finally figured out the perfect combination of herbal remedies and infant drops to calm baby’s gassy tummy. But that was yesterday. Today baby’s decided he can’t stand the taste of your liquefied fennel extract and Mylicon cocktail and spits back out every last drop you push in. No worries. There’s still another concoction you can try. It shouldn’t be too hard to acquire mermaid scales and bits of dragon wing, after all.

7. It only took you an hour and a half to weatherproof and pack baby in the car seat when she begins reenacting The Exorcist before your very eyes. Not only are you certain you witnessed her head spin, but she’s also dripping in vomit and excrement three times the heft of her tiny body weight. There’s so much bodily fluid, you’re pretty sure you saw it oozing out of her eyes and ears, too. Guess you won’t be making it to that Mommy and me yoga appointment this week either.

8. You’ve just finished scrubbing baby until he sparkles and applying that powder fresh lotion from head to toe when the cool air hits his man satchel, soaking him in a different kind of shower. It’s hard enough tussling with your slippery, squirmy squid once, but twice? Forget it. Just pretend Johnson’s has come out with a new Eau de Pé Pé scented baby wash. Nobody will be the wiser. Probably.

9. Baby has been nothing short of saintly all day, but now that it’s night time, she’s morphed into Satan’s spawn. You could have heard a pin drop as she slumbered peacefully and obediently enjoyed her tummy time for 14 hours today, but the second you plopped her in the bassinet for bedtime, she began wailing wild banshee shrieks and scratching out your eyes with her demon talons. Who needs rest, anyway? There will be plenty of time to sleep when your body is as dead as your soul.

Related post: 10 Things You Should Know About Babies