25+ Kelly Kapoor Quotes That Prove She Is All Of Us

Let’s all mourn the fact that The Office is leaving Netflix to head towards greener pastures. And by that, we mean the Peacock streaming service. It goes without saying that some of the biggest fans of the hilarious series will follow to binge-watch to their heart’s content. But it’s still sad to know that the show — which gained additional popularity and a new audience through Netflix — will no longer be on our watchlists. The Office is the kind of TV that’s especially important right now, as many of us are stuck at home social distancing and in major need of a few laughs! The hijinx between Dwight Schrute and Jim Halpert prove practically therapeutic for those of us who kinda-sorta (read: desperately) miss our own office buddies right now. And the show’s Kelly Kapoor quotes? Well, let’s just say we wouldn’t have gotten through the pandemic without her fun and biting wit to buoy us.

Played by show writer Mindy Kaling, Kelly Kapoor represented one of the most interesting journeys throughout the series. Always peppy and happy to be at an office with friends, Kelly’s tumultuous relationship with one-time Dunder Mifflin intern Ryan Howard helped make the series shine — not to mention, it’s a huge reason we’re obsessed with Kaling’s ongoing friendship with B.J. Novak (who played Ryan). Basically, Kelly was a character we all felt like we could really relate to.

So, to celebrate our best Dundler Mifflin gal, here are some of the most iconic Kelly Kapoor quotes.

Best Kelly Kapoor Quotes

1. “I am on the third day of my cleanse diet. All I have to do is drink maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and water for all three meals. Um, I just bought some bikinis online, size two. So… gonna look amaaaazing.”
2. “Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together. But don’t tell him that, OK? Just tell him I’m like up for anything, I mean I’m not a slut, but who knows!”
3. “Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of game is that?”
4. “This day is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.”
5. “No, no, no, no, no, no. She’s hot, OK? Because if you are saying that Hilary Swank isn’t hot, then you are saying that I am not hot. Because obviously, I’m not as hot as Hilary Swank.”
6. “You guys I’m, like, really smart now. You don’t even know. You could ask me, ‘Kelly what’s the biggest company in the world?’ And I’d be like, ‘Blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah.’ Giving you the exact right answer.”
7. “You wanna call someone that texted you? Do you want to drive them away?”
8. “I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever — that, and my sister’s.”
9. (Singing) “Whatever we deny or embrace, for worse or for better. We belong, we belong, we belong together, Ryan.”
10. “Who am I? I’m Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch.”
11. “I talk a lot, so I’ve just learned to tune myself out.”
12. “I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.”
13. “Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for.”
14. “Yeah, I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?”
15. “I can’t control what I say to people. I spend the whole day talking.”
16. “You gave your baby an allergic reaction… just to talk to me?”
17. “Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!”
18. “I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl.”
19. “My resolution was to get more attention.”
20. “Could you for once just let us enjoy a party instead of making it about all your issues?”
21. “Ultimatums are key. Basically, nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.”
22. “If I get to stay and Ryan is laid off, I will kill myself, like Romeo and Juliet… the Claire Danes one.”
23. Kelly Kapoor: “Well, I manage my department, and I’ve been doing that for several years now, and God, I’ve learned a lot of life lessons along the way.”

Jim Halpert: “Your department’s just you, right?” Kelly Kapoor: “Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage.”

1. “If I was you, I would just like freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant.”
2. “No. Not gonna happen. He has hurt me too much and too often. And I am in a healthy relationship now, so I’m not gonna flaunt it, I’m not gonna hurt him, but that door is closed.”
3. “I don’t talk trash, I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical, like, ‘Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet.’ But smack talk is happening like right now, like, ‘You’re ugly and I know it for a fact ’cause I got the evidence right there.”
4. Kelly Kapoor: “Lame? You worked at Anthropologie?”

Jordan Garfield: “Yeah.” Kelly Kapoor: “That’s like my dream job. How did you even get that job?”

1. “Yes. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, they had a baby, and they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, they had a baby too, and they named is Shiloh. And both babies are amazing!”
2. “No, he’s just a big fraud DeAngelo. He’s like Rango. He doesn’t work here basically, just like the way Rango didn’t save those animals. It was just a big misunderstanding.”
3. Ryan Howard: “For all their generosity of spirit, they password protect their wireless?”

Kelly Kapoor: “Try Jesus.”