Once Again, Jimmy Kimmel Convinces Parents To Steal Their Kids' Joy

Jimmy Kimmel’s annual Halloween candy prank aired last night

Last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live, he aired his annual compilation of videos sent in by parents who tricked their kids into thinking they ate all their Halloween candy. People seem to love these videos and think they’re hilarious.

All they do is make my heart hurt. And while I’m fully aware that it’s hard to hear me from my seat way up at the top of Mount Pious, I still can’t help feeling the feels I feel.

It was really hard for me to watch this video; I had my panties so firmly in a bunch about it that I could barely sit down. After one minute I checked the time and said, “There are four more minutes of this?! Holy shit. Chewie, get me a drink.” Chewie could not get me a drink because he’s a 14-pound Pekingese, but he understood where I was coming from.

With the notable exception of the kid in the T-Rex costume because a) he doesn’t look upset and b) those costumes will never not be funny, I felt so sorry and ticked off for these kids. Pranks are only funny when they aren’t being used to terrify or deeply upset someone, and when the person being pranked is an adult. How the hell do you prank a three-year-old?! Three-year-olds still believe in the Tooth Fairy and think that Sesame Street is a real place. More importantly, they believe in their parents and trust us completely.

We might not think the candy is all that important (except for Kit Kats, which are extremely important) but they do. Dang, people! Kids love Halloween — it’s Candy Christmas! It’s the one day a year when they are allowed to get dressed up in a fun costume and collect sacks of candy. Why would you take a dump on that?

I’m not normally someone who takes these kinds of things seriously, but for some reason, these videos stick in my craw. These are kids, man. They don’t deserve this kind of bullshit joke. When a parent tells their child that they ate all their Halloween candy, they’re thinking, “Look at how furious, sad, and betrayed my kid is going to feel over some stupid candy. That’s hilarious, I suppose.” But that’s not how their kid sees it — for them, those feelings are as real as a heart attack. And afterwards do you really think those kids said, “Ha! Good one, Mom and Dad. Hoo-wee! You really got me that time! Let’s go laugh about it over some chicken nuggets and apple juice.” No, they’ll be happy they still have their candy but hurt that their parents would make them cry and think it’s funny.

The only upside of these videos is those amazing kids who listen to what their parents say, barely blink, and say, “That’s ok. I still love you.” Those break my heart, not just because those are clearly such good kids, but because they are showing the adult behind the camera more kindness than they are getting back. I want to hug all of these kids — even the ones who punched their parents in the nads. I want them all to come to my house where I will give each of them a trunk load of candy and a puppy, and I will then send them home high on sugar with a dog who has been trained to eat car keys and won’t stop urinating.

Funny joke, right?