Staff Writer 'Accidentally' Exposes Himself, Masturbates On Zoom Meeting

The staff writer for the New Yorker, Jeffrey Toobin, says he masturbated by ‘mistake’

The New Yorker has suspended staff writer Jeffrey Toobin after he was caught masturbating on a Zoom video call with his colleagues. Toobin says he didn’t realize the camera was still on when he exposed himself and began jerking off while all of his co-workers were still actively engaged in the work meeting.

In case you didn’t have “Prominent White Man Whips Dick Out And Begins Whacking It On Zoom” on your 2020 bingo card, well, here it is! Free Space for everyone.

Two people who were on the call told VICE that the call was supposed to be a reenactment of the upcoming election — an “election simulation,” whatever that means — with many other prominent reporters playing various roles for whatever reason. Both colleagues confirmed that at one point, it appeared that Toobin may have been on another Zoom call, but nope. He was just randomly exposing himself and touching his penis, you know, as you do in the middle of a workday with your laptop and camera on right in the middle of a meeting.

Oh wait, no you don’t do that. Most people do not do that. But for some reason, this man could not refrain from stroking his penis while at work. In full view of many other people. Who did not consent to see his genitals or what he chose to do with them.

“I made an embarrassingly stupid mistake, believing I was off-camera. I apologize to my wife, family, friends and co-workers,” Toobin said in a statement. “I believed I was not visible on Zoom. I thought no one on the Zoom call could see me. I thought I had muted the Zoom video.”

OKAY BUT EVEN STILL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SIR? WHY COULDN’T IT WAIT?

Many, many people had this exact same thought, it turns out. Weird!

And because it wouldn’t be the internet if white men weren’t tripping all over themselves to defend other white men, here’s this garbage:

Thankfully, many people in touch with actual reality and the reality of harassment gently reminded Conor here that we do not, in fact, have to feel sorry for the man who made a choice to masturbate midday while on a video call for work, and is now suffering the consequences of that choice.

Jeffrey Toobin, who has a problematic history that includes a misogynist book victim-blaming Monica Lewinsky and impregnating a woman outside of his marriage and pressuring her to have an abortion, can now add Zoom Wanker to his resume. Which has hopefully found a permanent place in the trash so that normal, functional people who don’t masturbate in public can take his place at the New Yorker.

And you know what? This probably won’t even be the worst story this week. Keep those bingo cards out (but your penises in, please).