Why I'm Team Top Sheet -- No Matter What You Say

There is something my kids do that I just don’t understand. It baffles me more than them not wanting to wear a coat when it’s -12 degrees outside, and why it’s so hard to eat the crust of a grilled cheese sandwich.

They don’t use a top sheet.

I first noticed this when they were small and moved into big beds. I’d wash their sheets, make the bed just so, fold and tuck away until the bed looked as if Martha Stewart had a hand in it. I did this because my mom did it for me and there was something so satisfying about lying in a freshly made bed.

Also, it makes me feel like there’s some sense of order in the shitstorm known as my kids’ rooms.

But I’d go into their rooms to find the top sheet bunched at the bottom of the bed, then proceed to work up a sweat trying to get the flat sheet nice and taut again. If I can’t stand the thought of having a sheet bunched around my legs and feet at night, how can they stand the feel of it? Why aren’t they enjoying this experience the way I did? What is happening?

Not only that, how can they not have that barrier between their body and their comforter or blanket?

I don’t understand this way of sleeping.

Each time I would find myself digging in the depths of their bed, I’d not only find hidden treasures, but they’d tell me they just didn’t like the top sheet because it doesn’t stay on.

I ignored them, because how can that be? I’m a fan of the top sheet. It’s saved me on hot nights when I can’t think about being covered up, but holy shit I can not simply lie there without anything on top of me if I want to fall asleep. I literally can’t.

I need a little something there. Isn’t everyone like this?

I guess not.

According to an article on Today, my kids are not alone. In fact, Jesse Lynne Harte, 22, decided to set the record straight about how millennials have killed the top sheet by tweeting, “I don’t know a single millennial who uses one. Top sheets are archaic. This is just the truth.”

The tweet went viral, and people chimed in agreeing or disagreeing with her stance. While the article makes some points about why flat sheets are senseless pieces of cloth, like the fact they add extra work for us while making the bed and can get bunched up at night, I’m Team #Flatsheet all the damn way.

I mean, I’m not a millennial, but that’s not the point. The point is the top sheet is a brilliant invention and I am not complete without it. It saves me from having to wash my comforter and blankets every week. I just pop off the pillowcases, strip the sheets and we are in business, baby. How’s that for a life hack?

If I had to wash my comforter every damn week I would have to retire as the only person in my house who does laundry.

But wait, now that my kids are teens and can do shit for themselves, they take their top sheets off their bed after one night of trying to co-sleep with it — which means I have to wash their comforter or duvet every week. Which means I actually have retired because they can do that self-induced hardship on their own since I am too busy living my life BECAUSE I USE A TOP SHEET.

Slowly but surely they are coming back to my side and may join #teamflatsheet before next Tuesday rolls around and it’s time to strip the beds.

I mean, if we are going to say fuck it to anything, shouldn’t it be the damn fitted sheet? Those things are a real pain in the ass.

On second thought, I wouldn’t be able to live without that either, it’s worth the pain that is it, and the thought of lying on a bed with a fitted sheet not put on properly, much less without one, makes me cringe.

Call me old, call me traditional, tell me I’m wasting my time, I don’t care, I like my sheets. All of them.

What are your feeling on this very important topic?