If Moms Created The New SAT

As any parent of a high school sophomore or junior knows, the SAT is changing. There has been a lot of speculation as to what the latest incarnation of the Scholastic Assessment Test will look like, but no one will really know until thousands of nervous high school students open that booklet in March 2016.

According to the website of the College Board, creator and administrator of the nation’s most widely used admission test, “The SAT tests the reading, writing and math skills that you learn in school and that are critical for success in college and beyond. It gives both you and colleges a sense of how you’ll be able to apply the thinking, writing and study skills required for college course work.”

But does it measure how ready these 16- and 17-year-olds are to survive in the real world? Can a score be given to assess readiness to live at a university that does not supply a mom or dad along with a dorm room and a meal plan? I hope the College Board asked some moms for input into the new test. If they did, our kids might see questions like these:

The kitchen trash can’s volume exceeds its capacity. The correct way to fix this equation is:

a) Do nothing b) Leave it for your mother to solve. c) Use your strength to remove the bursting bag, tie it, bring it outside to the garbage can, and fill the resulting void with a fresh garbage bag. d) This equation has no solution.

There is one square of toilet paper left when Teen A enters the lavatory. What is the probability that Teen A’s sibling will have toilet paper for his/her next evacuation emergency?

a) 100% b) 0% c) Pi d) Answer is dependent on mother’s proximity to bathroom.

Student A’s soccer uniform is smelly and muddy. There is another game tomorrow. By which scientific process will the uniform return to a state of hygienic cleanliness?

a) Mitosis b) Mom’s eyes and nose will send signals to the involuntary laundry receptors in her brain. c) Student A needs to figure out how to use the washing machine and wash it himself tonight. d) Fairies

Teen B owns an iPhone, iPad, laptop, and scientific calculator with 120,000,000 times more computing power than Apollo 11. What is the probability that Teen B can operate the dishwasher in her own home?

a) 100% b) 0% c) Hydrogen bonds d) None of the above

There are two juice boxes in the refrigerator and 24 juice boxes in the basement. Three siblings are in the kitchen and need to bring juice boxes to their after-school activities. How long will it take the children to solve this problem?

a) 2 minutes b) 10 minutes c) 60 minutes d) Time is not applicable as the resulting fight over who has to go downstairs to get the one missing juice box will leave all the children punished and going to activities with water bottles.

The human body loses 30,000 to 40,000 dead skin cells off the surface of the skin daily. If this rate is constant, how often should bed sheets be changed?

a) Daily b) Weekly c) Never d) Bed sheets get changed?

If the Spanish Club is having their annual Fiesta on Friday, what is the probability on Thursday at 10 p.m. that Julia has purchased all the ingredients for the gluten-free churros she has volunteered to bring? Is it the same, greater than, or less than the chance that she is going to ask her mother to prepare and fry those churros?

a) Same b) Greater than c) Less than d) None of the above. Julia has forgotten all about the churros.

I don’t know about you, but I better find a New SAT tutor today.