I Wanted A Threesome... Until I Actually Had One

I wouldn’t consider myself bisexual, mostly because I’m not into labels, but I would say that there have been occasions where I’ve found myself sexually attracted to both the same and opposite sex. And if I’m being honest, a threesome with a man and a woman was on my sexual bucket list ever since I became sexually active.

Maybe it’s because I can’t get off to porn unless it’s lesbian porn, leading me to want to be with a woman sexually. Or maybe I wanted this combo because the idea of a threesome involving two men makes me, personally, feel like a sack of potatoes being passed around. (Too much testosterone for me, but absolutely zero judgment if this is what floats your boat. You do you, boo.) But for whatever reason, having a threesome with a man and a woman seemed like it would be a good mix of both worlds.

Little did I know, I’m actually not a fan of threesomes, and I know this due to the horr-ib-le one I had over 5 years ago.

It was a Saturday, and I had spent my night with some co-workers getting rip-roaring drunk. (Do not recommend.) My then-boyfriend was at his house, where he too had been drinking with some friends and watching a new HBO series. As I was walking to his house where a co-worker was spending the night with me, already having hinted at the idea of a threesome to her, my liquid-courage allowed me to bluntly ask, “So, would you, like, be down for a threesome?”

I knew she was bisexual, and I was bi-curious. But still, I was so incredibly nervous as to what her response would be. I wanted her to know this was purely about having a good time. And I didn’t want her to feel like she was taken advantage of. Most importantly, I didn’t want our co-working relationship to be harmed by something that was casual. But I was just the right amount of drunk to just let it be whatever it was going to be.

To my relief and somewhat-surprise, she was all about the idea of this three-way one-night-stand and asked, “How about tonight?”

Well, okay then.

We stumbled to my boyfriend’s house, where he had just fallen into his peaceful, whiskey slumber. He and I had talked about the idea of a threesome in the past, but we’d never acted on it or ever planned it. Although, judging from our past conversations, I knew that he would be down for one with the right person.

As I made my way up the stairs, taking much longer than it should have, I woke him up with my proposal: “Hey, babe. Do you want to have a threesome?” I asked.

Clearly, he had higher standards than I believed, because his first question was, “With who?”

I told him who, as he already was familiar with her from my work, and he expressed that he thought it would be fun. I went back downstairs to grab some water and tell her it was “on,” and he pulled out a box of condoms before we both made our way to the bedroom.

To be frank, I was so drunk that I couldn’t even tell you how we started. All I know is, it started… it happened… and it was nothing like I’d expected.

Maybe it’s because I’d rather be dominated in the bedroom, and they both gave me the reigns out of complete respect for me. Perhaps it’s because while she was having sex with my boyfriend, which honestly, did not bother me a bit, I sat there feeling like, “Uhhhh… WTF am I supposed to do with my hands?… I guess I’ll just go fuck myself then… literally.”

Or maybe, just maybe, it’s as simple as this: I don’t like threesomes in the way that I believed I would.

I’ve been with women before, but this was different. And even with the alcohol, it was still so damn weird to me. I’m not one to hold back between the sheets. If I bump heads with you during sex and it makes me giggle, I’m going to giggle. I’ll talk when I want to, and I’m not about to fake an orgasm just to be nice.

But this woman, as wonderful as she was at work, was just too damn extra in the bedroom. As she was beginning to orgasm, she started screaming, LOUDLY screaming, “IMMA SQUIRT! IMMA SQUIRT! IMMA SQUIRT!”

Now, I’ve only “squirted” one time in my entire life. And when it happened, I was not a fan. Like, WTF just gushed out of me like the Niagara Falls?! Call me an asshole, even though I’m truthfully not, but I started dying of laughter. I just could not help it.

Then she started screaming with even more umph to her voice, “OHHHH, YEAHHHHH! SMACK IT! SMACK IT! SMACK IT!”

*lifts up my fingers to tap her crotch in a scared manner*

Thank God, it was then that she started laughing at me too. Then my boyfriend began cracking up with us as well. We were all naked and rolling with the drunken giggles. And we decided at this point, this threesome has gone on for long enough.

We went downstairs, made a quick meal, ate it together and resumed our night without any more three-way canoodling. She slept downstairs, we slept upstairs.

That was that. And it was then that I decided, no more threesomes for me.