The 15 Things I Hope For New Parents

I have friends who are about to have their first baby. They are great people and not doing that annoying thing where they act like they know everything beforehand… you know, like I did. I keep thinking of the things I would have wished for myself if I could. Instead, I’ll wish those things for them…

1. I hope your kid hates Caillou. I’d be pushing it to say I hope your kid hates Caillou AND Max and Ruby even though it’s really the most preferable (but least likely) option.

2. I hope your baby finds one thing they love that makes them quiet; a baby mute button of sorts like a pacifier or a 25 dollar giraffe. I hope the thing they love isn’t a one of a kind but mostly I hope it’s not your boob. (My older son had a pacifier and then a blanket named Chachi for a certain Charles who was in charge)

3. I hope that out of not sleeping/not riding in the car easily/never potty training/hating having their diaper changed you only get one. Every baby I know has the one thing they loathe and I don’t know many people who skated away from each of these.

4. I hope that your baby prefers the way you want to carry them; bucket, sling or ergo. I hope that they don’t also want to sleep like this.

5. I hope that you avoid Pinterest. There is a time and a place for all that, and it’s not now.

6. I hope one day you are able to make a list and not repeat 3 and 6 and then insist to your husband you didn’t …

7. I hope that you remember TV didn’t fully ruin you and it won’t ruin them. Now if you are sure it will or you just don’t like it I hope that your friends don’t make faces at you.

8. I hope that you don’t meet someone in the Nordstrom women’s lounge who seems sage and calm feed you some shit that their method (attachment, sears, or I dunno the baby whisperer) is the only way and then you feel like an ass when it doesn’t work for you. Deal is that thing works for them and their kid but it might not for their next or any and all of your kids.

9. I hope you have one good, safe friend to talk to. That mom could be part of a message board, your high school bf or someone from your Lamaze class. I didn’t have the loving Lamaze class turned family that I had written into my future, like AT all. Mine was my high school best friend and a lactation consultant named Marilyn. These two let me be spazzy, reassured me when I was worried, and really just listened.

10. I hope that someone prepares you for what happens in the few days after you have a baby and uses the words “mesh underwear” and “surfboards” to describe the pads you’ll need.

11. I hope you have a partner who helps you even if that help is knowing when to step back or bring you food.

12. I hope you get some slack from whoever it is you need slack from. I hope you get it without having to go all 70’s sweat hog, “Cut me some slack” on em.

13. I hope you don’t feel like it’s a competition because there are going to be Moms out there who try and make it one. Cut them some slack they are likely even more worried than you are.

14. I hope you get a realistic version of what “post baby body” is and that you don’t read anything with that title in it. It is going to take a minute and posing for Playboy or catwalking for VS involves genetics and likely a lil’ Lucifer deal.

15. Mostly, I hope you come to learn what it took me WAY too long to… That you are built to be your baby’s parent. You CAN do it, your instincts are likely spot on, and all your baby really wants is you. You with dark circles (under your eyes and under you boobs cause you leaked through) You with all of your questions for the doctors and you with all of your doubt, lack of experience, and constant wondering if they are breathing. You.

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