The Homework Drinking Game

Homework is bullshit, y’all. It was bullshit when I was in school. It was bullshit when I was in college. And it is so seriously fuck all this bullshit now that I’m a parent with children who have homework. And, oh my god, do they have homework. They have all the homework that was ever homeworked. Not kidding. My daughter came home last Friday with 96 algebra problems to do. One class. 96 problems. Ninety-fucking-six algebra problems. On the weekend. During football season. And that was just that one class!

But anyhoo. So, yeah, homework sucks donkey balls. To mitigate the fuckery, I thought maybe we could turn it into a drinking game. It might not help the kids get their shit done any faster, but it’ll tamp down on the suckitude, if just a little bit.

Ready? Let’s do this.

– Take one sip every time you have to remind your child to stay on task.

Example: “Stop licking the dog and finish your homework.”

– Take one sip if you have to use a kitchen knife to sharpen a pencil because none of the 43 cheap ass plastic pencil sharpeners you’ve bought are anywhere to be found and there’s no lead in the one mechanical pencil you were able to find.

– Take one sip if you have to go on a scavenger hunt to find a decent eraser, because the one on your kid’s pencil is worn all the way down or chewed off.

– Take one sip when your child needs to glue something and you wonder (perhaps silently, perhaps not) why the hell those kinds of things need to be done at home. We sent the Elmer’s to school, remember?

– Take one gulp every time you ask your child, “Are you sure your teacher said to do it this way? That’s not how we did it when I was in school.”

– Take one gulp for every audible sigh or eye roll — whether it comes from you or your child.

– Take one gulp if your child has a meltdown because they can’t find a skin tone color in their crayon box that matches their artistic vision. Double that if you have to argue with them that apricot is an acceptable substitute for peach. Also double if you’re a person of color having to scratch out color swatches on a scrap piece of paper to find your hue between bullshit like “Burnt Umber” and “Fuzzy Wuzzy.” Triple it if you have to argue about the efficacy of white crayons. Again.

– Take two sips if you have to silently do some math in your head to make sure your child’s homework answer is correct. Double if you can’t do it without moving your lips.

– Take two gulps if you have to count on your fingers, scratch it out on paper, or use a calculator.

– Take three sips when you begin to wonder if you’re going to be able to finish preparing dinner because of homework complications.

– Take three sips every time you have to text or call a mom friend to ask for assignment details because your kid forgot to bring something home.

– Take three gulps every time you have to text, call, or email your child’s teacher to get information that was allegedly sent home already but now we can’t find it.

Bonus Rounds

– Chug if you find out about a project due tomorrow that requires supplies that you don’t have in the house. (Make sure to have someone else go to the store if need be. Orange is not the new black.)

– When your child tells you about a massive assignment due tomorrow, and you ask how long they’ve know about it and they say it was assigned any time longer than a week ago: Take a shot.

– If your kids have been back to school less than two months, and they’ve already broken the strap on their backpack: Take a shot.

– Every time you have to Google search, watch a YouTube video, or phone a friend to find out how to work your kid’s math problem: Take a shot.

– If your child roots around in the depths of their backpack and pulls out one of those “buy this stuff you don’t want or need because school spirit” fundraiser campaign catalogs, and then excitedly tells you all about the 32-cent toy they will “win” for selling 75 items: Take a double shot.

– If your child brings home a case of chocolate bars to sell as a fundraiser, pass the shot. Instead, hoard and eat the whole box, and write the kid a check.