Hillary Clinton's Pantsuits Strike Back

If you have a vagina, chances are, at some point in your life, you’ve been judged harshly for the way you look. From cosmetic choices to physical features, the stained fangs of the public machine drip with venomous saliva, fully prepared at all times to sink into unsuspecting female prey. Even the most notorious and brilliant woman in the world (no, not Kim Kardashian) is not exempt from the mob mentality of the public and the feeding frenzy of the critics. Be you a housewife, a listless hillbilly, or a law student at Yale, everyone has an opinion about Hillary Clinton and the legacy that is her pantsuits.

HRC is an all-inclusive kind of gal, embracing colors and textures of all walks of life. ROY G BIV would be a proud son of a bitch if he was an actual person and not a rainbow acronym. Either way, Hillz just can’t win. Too frumpy. Too much cleavage. Too expensive. Too tailored. Too baggy. Too blah-dee-blah-fucking-blah.

Can we stop talking about the blasted pantsuits and look what she’s done? She’s a goddamn champion.

Clinton (the one who wears said pants) has been in the limelight for years, and the ongoing diatribe about her propensity for pantsuits has really taken its toll. These matching ensembles of fine fabrics are fed up, and they’ve got a few things to say. Let us hear directly from this disgruntled aggregate of wool, cotton, cashmere, and cotton.

The Cleavage Pantsuit

“There was cleavage on display Wednesday afternoon on C-SPAN2. It belonged to Sen. Hillary Clinton. […] There wasn’t an unseemly amount of cleavage showing, but there it was. Undeniable. […] To display cleavage in a setting that does not involve cocktails and hors d’oeuvres is a provocation.” —The Washington Post, 2007

Pantsuit Retort: I am a women’s pantsuit, for fuck’s sake. Women have breasts; there are breasts under this jacket. There’s also a vagina under my southern counterpart, the pants. Can we focus on some adulty shit, like Social Security, or Medicare? Ghhhad, you’d think this was eighth grade. Why hasn’t anyone commented on the ball-to-penis squishfest that appears when the male politicians sit down and manspread with their tailored suits? Somebody get me a damn drink.

The $12,000 Armani Jacket Pantsuit

The entire internet was mad when Clinton (again, the one in the pants) donned a suit jacket worth over $12,000, calling her a hypocrite and worse.

Pantsuit Retort: You know what? You can’t handle the truth. I’m an expensive jacket and people who make a shit-ton of money are entitled to wear me. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. And while you’re busy frothing at the mouth, don’t forget that Sarah Palin’s 2008 wardrobe had a $150,000 budget. While you chew on that, head on over to The Donald’s closet and tally up those tags as well. Why is it OK for men to spend money on expensive, boring suits that all look the same, but a woman can’t have her fun? Calm your tits and do us all a favor by contemplating national security or something to do with actual politics.

The Orange Pantsuit

“This orange piece of excrement is beyond belief.” —Random dick on the internet

Pantsuit Retort: Piece of excrement… Wow, that’s original. Maybe when you graduate from Yale Law School, fight for social justice, and claw your way through a man’s world towards the most prestigious and powerful office in the world, with a vagina, you can open your ignorant and unimaginative yapper, but for now, you can go eat some orange excrement and shut your trap while pondering a solution for Wall Street reform. Jackass.

The Untailored Pantsuit

“I think she’s confused about her gender, all these big, baggy, menswear, tailored pantsuit.” —Tim Gunn of Project Runway

Pantsuit Retort: Tim whodafuq? Listen, you pointless bastard, while you do irrelevant shit like critique fashion and stuff, Hillary is out here trying to stop huge fucking icebergs from melting into the sea and washing your ass tsunami-style into oblivion. Plus, my untailored style does not lend itself to wedgies or fat roll lop-over, so the joke’s on you. And, really, shame on you for even mentioning gender confusion as a fashion slam. Ever heard of LGBT rights? Oh wait…aren’t you gay? Double shame on you for persecuting a woman, who is a minority, fighting for equality, by using gender insults.

The 20 Worst Outfits

“From her striped pants in the late 1960s, to her penchant for loud floral prints and outdated headbands, FEMAIL has rounded up the politician’s 20 worst outfits from the past 50 years.” —The Daily Mail

The 20 Worst Outfits Collective Retort: What in the actual, factual fuck is this? Why do you even care about us? Though we’re somewhat flattered by all of the attention, we’re hoping that you obtuse, shallow, and dim witted buffoons will realize that ovaries of steel need a varied wardrobe. So back the hell up while you puzzle how to provide debt-free college to our nation’s youth instead of bringing us all down into the pits of hell with your pointless balderdash. Get a real job, you asshat.

Holy hell — these pant suits are pissed.

Being in the public eye is not easy, and far be it from me to suggest that they grow thicker skin…er…whatever, but in the coming months, it’s just going to get worse — the ghost of Joan Rivers has a huge lady-boner as we speak.

Regardless of your political beliefs, can we give a sister a break and allow her the same liberties as a male politician? Can we spend more time scrutinizing her politics than her glorious mint-green trousers? Besides, everyone knows that climbing ladders and smashing glass is better done while wearing pants.