Here's What Non-Parents Need To Know About Flying With Kids

I hear a lot of non-parents tell me that they hate getting on a plane with children. They go on and on about how kids kick seats, or cry for no reason, or simply stare at them for long periods of time, expecting attention. I listen to their concerns and nod. I’m gracious and non-confrontational. They act like I’m supposed to apologize to them on behalf of all parents. But here’s the deal: No one hates traveling with kids more than their parents. Still, flying with kids is going to happen. Here are a few things I’ve heard from non-parents about flying with children, and what I’d like to say to them if I weren’t such a nice person:

I was on a plane, and this baby cried the entire time. It was so irritating. How hard is it to keep a baby quiet?

On a plane? Really fucking hard. Let me give you a lesson on babies: Most of them can’t pop their ears yet. This means that most of the flight, it feels like their little baby heads are going to explode. Last time I flew with a baby, the doctor gave me ear drops that were supposed to help with the problem, but I suspect they were actually water, because they didn’t change shit. Nor did they change the fact that all the family members back home really wanted to see the baby for Christmas. Regardless, if my baby cried the whole plane ride and an uneducated douchebag like yourself stared at me like I was doing nothing to keep the baby quiet so they could go back to sleeping off a hangover, live with it because Grandma is going to have a baby snuggle.

Every time I fly, I get stuck in a line behind some mom with a stroller going through security. I almost missed my flight. WTF? Do parents really need all that crap for their kids?

Do you really need a neck pillow and four different electronic devices to keep you entertained for a four-hour flight? No. Imagine how hard it is to entertain a child who has the attention span of a goldfish. It’s impossible. This isn’t even considering what it takes to keep the kids fed and their butts clean. One time, I was in the Denver airport and two of my kids got diarrhea. Our flight got delayed for three hours, and let me tell you something: I will give you a million bucks if you can find diapers in the Denver airport. Had I not brought enough supplies, some lucky judgmental prick like yourself would have been smelling unfiltered kid crap the whole plane ride, sitting and looking at me smugly, and saying something like, “How hard is it to bring enough diapers?”

I was sitting next to some mom, and get this, she pulled out her boob and started feeding her baby! Can’t she wait until after the flight?

I’m just going to go ahead and assume that while this offended you, you had a lap full of snacks (chips, candy, beef jerky, soda). You didn’t want to get hungry on the flight, right? Well, neither does a baby. Use your head asshole.

This toddler threw a huge fit on the plane. Parents should teach their kids how to act in public.

Are you telling me you don’t want to throw a fit on a plane? Planes are the most uncomfortable places in the world. You know, I get it. We are all trapped in there together and being next to a flaming fit is uncomfortable. But the thing is, you have the strength and ability to control your emotions. Toddlers haven’t learned that yet. So how about this? How about you be the bigger person here? Be the understanding adult, and put on your headphones and neck pillow, and shut up.

Why can’t parents just not travel until their kids are older?

Wait, are you saying that there should be an age limit for flying? Is that what you are saying? Are you trying to say that grandparents shouldn’t see their grandkids on holidays or at funerals because you just can’t handle being put out when traveling? Families need to travel. Not everything is about you and your comfort. Children have a place in this world, and part of that is on planes.

Please take your snarky comments and your shitty looks and shove it. Because here is the deal, parents don’t really like traveling with kids either. But the reality is, it’s going to happen. So put on your headphones, read your book, eat your candy, and deal with it.