A Beginner's Guide To Sex With Kids In The House

After childbirth, you’re supposed to wait six weeks before sticking tampons, douches, or anything else up your vagina. Some of us manage to wait two weeks. But on the other end of the spectrum, some of us manage…well, we’re not counting. But suffice to say, due to hormones, breastfeeding, sleeping arrangements, and exhaustion, the candy shop has closed. And if you don’t feel like having sex, no one should ever make you. However, if you’re stymied by the small person or people now sleeping way, way, too close to you, fear not. You can still do it. It can be as good as it was before baby.

Having sex with kids around is like doing it at your parents’ house. You can manage. You can enjoy it. But you have to take some precautions.

1. Be Quiet

When you were in college, you punctuated every thrust with a theatrically throaty little cry. Your directions—oh yeah, down there, faster—stayed in normal registers at first, but rose in pitch and volume as you both got closer. You screamed orgasms. Pretty much everyone screamed their orgasms, partially because they could and partially because everyone expected you to.

Having sex with kids in the house is the exact opposite of this. Imagine you’re at your in-laws’ house. Your mother-in-law wakes at the slightest creak. In fact, you’re not sure if she sleeps at all or if she just lies awake waiting for the burglars to come. Sex after kids means pretending that mother-in-law’s lurking in the next room. You’ve got to be quiet. No groans, moans, pants, breathy sighs, or banging headboards. All directions must be whispered directly into your partner’s ear. No soundtracks allowed. And no fumbling for clothes afterwards—keep track by leaving your pants and underwear wrapped around an ankle.

2. Be Prepared

You need to be the Boy Scout of sexual intercourse. Before you start, line up your necessities. You need the lube. You need the protection. You need…well, whatever else you need for a satisfactory sexual experience. No judgment here. Arrange the pillows, and turn on the bathroom light so as not to suddenly shock your tyke into wakefulness. And seriously, make sure there’s toilet paper. You’re not in college.

Lock the door. It doesn’t matter if your kids can’t open it yet. Lock the door anyway. Make sure your dogs have found their preferred place—in the bedroom or out of it—so your baby isn’t awakened by collar jingling, leg-scratching dog noises.

As an extra means of protection, consider having sex under the covers. It’s difficult, it’s tangled, but hey, no peeping kid will see your nethers merging.

3. Be Creative

If your child’s still larval, your possibilities are endless. Since darling baby can’t move, darling baby can’t interrupt you. Couches, floors, tables, and showers all make acceptable surfaces for spousal banging. Bonus: No one sleeps on the wet spot.

If, however, your children are mobile, you’re stuck in rooms that lock. Don’t let your 4-year-old discover you doing it doggy-style on the microfiber couch. Once they can walk, you need a childproof lock. Your bedroom locks. But so does the bathroom. Possibly guest rooms. Or just hide under the dining room table and pray.

4. Be Regular

No one should ever pressure you into sex. However, as a human being, you’re also a sexual being. Having kids doesn’t shut that drive down, and if it does, giving it a shot can work wonders. You need sex to cement your relationship as a couple, to connect with one another, and to remind yourself that you’re more than just Mommy and Daddy. So get down and dirty, even if you’re feeling meh about it. That feeling will probably last for all of five minutes. If it doesn’t, you can always stop.

5. If the Worst Happens

Daddy is hugging Mommy. Mommy and Daddy are wrestling/tickling each other/playing a game. Mommy and Daddy are doing something private, so could you please shut the door (no, I don’t care if you have to freaking pee. Pee on the floor). Mommy and Daddy are busy doing Mommy and Daddy things. If you’re really brave, you can say Mommy and Daddy are having sex. Your preschooler will nod sagely and refrain from further questioning, as will all but the most stubborn, inquisitive tykes. For those, you’re going to need a strong stomach and some library books.

6. Be Thorough

Get rid of the evidence. You lovingly laid out the KY, the vibrator, the flavored lube, and the condoms, and now you have to stash that shizz somewhere even God can’t find it. A top dresser drawer, cabinets with child-safety locks, and medicine cabinets all work well. In fact, you can buy a sex box, stuff in your necessities, and leave it in the bathroom for all to see.

Getting rid of the evidence also means securing it, and not just from children. Many evil, perverted, and vindictive hounds like condoms. They like to drag them out of the bathroom trash and onto the living room floor, where you will find them, scream, and thank Krishna you discovered them before the kids began asking about funny balloons. While you’re at it, make sure the condom wrapper makes it to the aforementioned trash can, and preferably stuffed down in a bit.

Mommy and Daddy can still get it on. You might not be as loud as before, or as spontaneous—let’s be honest, all this sex happens after the kids go down for the night—but you’ve still got it. Sex is good for you. Beyond all the yummy endorphins and connections and orgasms, it reminds you that you’re more than a parent. You’re a person. And that person wants to get it on.

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