The Google Search History of a 6-Year-Old Boy

I’d like to kiss the person who invented Internet parental controls.

Raising kids in this digital age usually terrifies me. The moment my tween daughter first asked me for her own iPhone without the slightest hint of joking in her voice was enough to make me regret not becoming Amish. But being the (fairly) modern people we are, we do allow our kids their technological romps, with all necessary precautions in place. Like Internet parental controls. And thank God, because had we been Amish, or not able to trust Internet filters, I would have missed out on one of the funniest things I have ever read: my 6-year-old son’s Google search history.

In addition to playing Angry Birds, Star Wars, and Dr. Panda’s Restaurant, my son loves utilizing the Google voice search function on my husband’s phone. He will sit there and just start saying crap as it comes to mind, seeing what results pop up on Google. (Hence, my extreme gratitude for parental controls.) The other night, my husband came into the bedroom laughing. He handed me his phone and told me to check out the search history. What I read was pretty much the most glorious manifesto of attention deficit disorder meets Nickelodeon meets everything little boys think about. Like, everything.

I give you the transcription of random thoughts by my son:

7:39 p.m. Searched for pictures of Triceratops and Allosaurus (OK, pretty normal.)

7:39 p.m. Searched for pictures of all the dinosaurs fighting (ALL? Like ALL the dinosaurs ever? Ambitious.)

7:40 p.m. Searched for pictures of Bigfoot

7:40 p.m. Searched for pictures of gorillas

7:40 p.m. Searched for pictures of Batman socks (Logical train of thought.)

7:41 p.m. Searched for pictures of Beethoven playing the piano (I’m impressed with his interest in culture…)

7:41 p.m. Searched for pictures of Beethoven the dog playing piano (AHHH. Makes much more sense.)

7:42 p.m. Searched for pictures of fake girls playing piano (Crap. I didn’t think I needed to worry about this until puberty…)

7:42 p.m. Searched for pictures of fake gorillas playing piano (Oh, thank God. I’m glad he cleared that one up.)

7:43 p.m. Searched for pictures of T Rex Godzilla (Is this anything like Sharknado?)

7:44 p.m. Searched for pictures of T Rex holding hands with Triceratops (Aw. Such innocence.)

7:45 p.m. Searched for pictures of the dinosaurs all together (Kumbaya. What a sweet little bo-)

7:46 p.m. Searched for pictures of mutant dinosaurs fighting people (Aaaand, that’s more like it.)

7:47 p.m. Searched for pictures of strong and skinny T Rex with chains on his wrists and shins (What happened to all that peace and getting along and stuff? This is just some weird sh*t.)

7:48 p.m. Searched for pictures of Velociraptor that’s skinny with giant muscles with jeans (Not gonna lie. I kind of want to see this.)

7:49 p.m. Searched for pictures of all the dinosaurs that are mutants (Again with the mutants?)

7:49 p.m. Searched for pictures of dinosaurs eating Chinese food (I bet it’s hilarious to watch T-Rex use chopsticks.)

7:49 p.m. Searched for pictures of mutant chickens (Obviously.)

7:50 p.m. Searched for pictures of a Hot Wheels guy on Captain America motorcycle (A little too over-machismo. Maybe I should have let him play with more dolls.)

7:50 p.m. Searched for pictures of a mutant dinosaur driving the Death Star

7:50 p.m. Searched for pictures of a mutant dinosaur swearing (What? Swearing? Not my little darling…)

7:51 p.m. Searched for pictures of a mutant dinosaur wearing a clone troopers helmet (Whew.)

7:51 p.m. Searched for pictures of mutant Captain America (Isn’t that kind of redundant? Aren’t all superheroes technically mutants? *Cue comic book geeks flooding my comment section with explanations I don’t care about*)

7:52 p.m. Searched for pictures of mutant Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Is there an EXTRA mutant version?)

7:53 p.m. Searched for pictures of steel jaw the real robot

7:54 p.m. Searched for pictures of dinosaur steel

7:55 p.m. Searched for pictures of steel don’t steal dog with giant muscles (Huh?)

7:55 p.m. Searched for pictures of mutant dogs (Wow. He’s really into mutants.)

7:56 p.m. Searched for pictures of mutant dinosaur dogs (And apparently dinosaurs. Especially mutant ones.)

7:56 p.m. Searched for pictures of Yadier Molina (Not sure what our kick ass catcher has to do with mutant dinosaur dogs, but…Go Cards!)

7:56 p.m. Searched for pictures of mutant dinosaurs playing baseball (No need to bring the Yankees into this.)

7:57 p.m. Searched for pictures of human dinosaurs (I believe what he was looking for was “Larry King.”)

7:57 p.m. Searched for pictures of rock people (Again, “Larry King.”)

7:57 p.m. Searched for pictures of mummies (Also “Larry King.”)

7:57 p.m. Searched for pictures of babies (Aw.)

7:58 p.m. Searched for pictures of babies wearing a poopy diaper (And there it is.)

7:58 p.m. Searched for pictures of Jesus carrying the cross (Double aw. Props to Catholic school!)

7:59 p.m. Searched for pictures of Jim Parsons (Um, Catholic school?)

8:00 p.m. Searched for pictures of human baby Jim Parsons (As opposed to…)

8:00 p.m. Searched for pictures of mutant baby Jim Parsons (Oh. Guess I should have seen that one coming.)

8:01 p.m. Searched for pictures of really beautiful Jim Parsons (He’s quite the Jim Parsons fan.)

8:01 p.m. Searched for pictures of Godzilla lizards (Are we still talking about Jim Parsons?)

8:02 p.m. Searched for pictures of skinny three headed Godzilla the nerd (Yep, pretty sure we’re still on Jim Parsons.)

8:03 p.m. Searched for pictures of space with nerds in space (When did he start watching Big Bang Theory?)

8:04 p.m. Searched for pictures of April Fool’s mailboxes (I don’t even want to know. But I’m not opening our mailbox next April Fool’s day.)

8:04 p.m. Searched for pictures of the Kids’ Choice Awards (Damn Nickelodeon brainwashing.)

8:05 p.m. Searched for pictures of Nick Jonas wearing push up suits (OK, this needs to end now.)

And it did end there. I can’t help but wonder where Nick Jonas would have led his train of thought had this continued. Still, it was pretty awesome to get a glimpse of what runs through my son’s mind in a half hour’s time. I think it would be safe to put a few dinosaur items on his birthday list. He clearly has a little obsession going on.

Oh, god. I just realized that when he’s a teenager, I can probably substitute “dinosaur” for “sex” and get a pretty accurate stream of thought. Remind me not to check his Google history then.

Related post: The Google Search History of a Mom