35+ George Carlin Quotes To Make You Laugh And Give You A New Life Perspective

“It’s bad for ya” — or so George Carlin says. What’s bad for ya? Well, we think he means going through your week without checking in here at Scary Mommy for your daily dose of funny. Okay, maybe that wasn’t his original intent when speaking those words, but one can dream, amirite? Whatever the case, this legendary stand-up comedian shared more than a few wise words in his day. Though he sadly passed away in 2008, his words still live on today. Feeling nostalgic? You can check out our collection of George Carlin quotes right here.

Dubbed “The Dean of Countercultural Comedians,” George Carlin was named second (behind Richard Pryor) on Rolling Stone’s 2017 list of 50 best stand-up comedians of all time. His “seven dirty words” routine was integral to the 1978 Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, which affirmed governmental power to censor indecent material on the airwaves. He hosted the — historically significant — first Saturday Night Live episode ever in 1975. So, suffice it to say, George Carlin was an influential presence. And whether you loved him or hated him, his work will live on forever. These George Carlin quotes are proof.

30 Best George Carlin Quotes

1. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
2. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
3. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
4. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
5. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
6. “That’s why they call it the American Dream — because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
7. “There are nights when the wolves are silent, and only the moon howls.”
8. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
9. “Ever wonder about those people who spend two dollars apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”
10. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
11. “Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
12. “‘Meow’ means ‘woof’ in cat.”
13. “Religion is like a pair of shoes: Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”
14. “I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so f*ckin’ heroic.”
15. “Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
16. “Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
17. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
18. “I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic f*cking hatreds.”
19. “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
20. “Scratch any cynic, and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
21. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
22. “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”
23. “How is it possible to have a civil war?”
24. “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
25. “Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bullshit they teach you in school.”
26. “I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: ‘Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.’”
27. “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?”
28. “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
29. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
30. “Laugh often, long, and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”
31. “When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.”
32. “Just ’cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”
33. “Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”
34. “There are nights when the wolves are silent, and only the moon howls.”
35. “Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
36. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
37. “We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”
38. “Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.”