41+ Funny Christmas Quotes & Sayings To Make You Ho-Ho-Howl With Laughter

The holiday season can feel overwhelming for so many reasons. There’s the insane Black Friday shopping marathon, the pressure to give the kids a Pinterest-worthy holiday season, and all the guests and family members you’re not that fond of. Ugh. Wasn’t Christmas supposed to be full of fun and games? Here’s the thing, though: You’re not alone. These pithy and funny Christmas quotes and sayings are proof of exactly that. Are you arguing over how to put that overly-complicated play kitchen together? Or simply sitting by the fire, preparing yourself for round-one-million of moving the Elf on a Shelf around in your home? We’ve all been there!

So, either way, these Christmas quotes from comedians, authors, and other famous (or at least semi-famous) people will be super relatable — not to mention oh-so-funny. And if you want even more cheer this merry season? Check out our collection of Christmas jokes for kids, Christmas riddles, touching Christmas quotes, Christmas photo booth ideas, Christmas pick-up lines (for the single parents this holiday season), and so much more.

Funny Christmas Quotes That Put the “Bah” in “Bah Humbug!”

1. “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”

— Melanie White

1. “A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” — Garrison Keillor
2. “Next to a circus, there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” — Frank McKinney Hubbard
3. “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” — Jerry Seinfeld
4. “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” — Andy Borowitz
5. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” — Victor Borge
6. “Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.” — Erma Bombeck
7. “At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” — Robert Godden
8. “Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of ‘s.’ I suppose you could say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year,’ but you probably have sh*t to do.” — John Stewart
9. “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” — Phyllis Diller
10. “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” — Johnny Carson
11. “’That does it,’ said Jace. ‘I’m going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year.’” — Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
12. “Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.” — Clark Griswold, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
13. “Pretending to believe in the Mayan apocalypse prophecy is a great way to get out of buying Christmas presents.” — Unknown
14. “Christmas: The only time of the year in which one can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks.” — Rick Sutter
15. “You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” — Robert Paul
16. “Christmas is a race to see which gives out first: your money or your feet.” — Unknown
17. “There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.” — Robert Staughton Lynd
18. “My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.”— Leslie “Les” Dawson, Jr.
19. “Do give books — religious or otherwise — for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.” — Lenore Hershey
20. “For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is — and people will usually just give it back anyway!” — Anne Bristow
21. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” — Shirley Temple

Other Funny Christmas Quotes and Sayings

1. “There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” — Conan O’Brien
2. “Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” — Dave Barry
3. “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” — Henny Youngman
4. “Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words.” — Harlan Miller
5. “Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It’s beyond belief! It’s insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his ass into it!” — Lewis Black
6. “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” — Winston Spear
7. “The outdoor Christmas lights, green and red and gold and blue and twinkling, remind me that most people are that way all year round — kind, generous, friendly, and with an occasional moment of ecstasy. But Christmas is the only time they dare reveal themselves.” — Harlan Miller
8. “I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in one particular addiction: glitter.” — Eloisa James, Paris in Love
9. “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” — Larry Wilde
10. “I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.” — Fred Rogers
11. “Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period.” — Fanny Wright
12. “There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” — Bob Phillips
13. “One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” — Andy Rooney
14. “The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: ‘Some assembly required.’” — John Leo
15. “Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” — Kin Hubbard
16. “Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” — Stephen Fry
17. “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘toys not included.’” — Bernard Manning
18. “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” — Bridger Winegar
19. “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” — Johnny Carson