From The Confessional: Potty Training Sucks

Hands down, the hardest part of parenting for me (so far—I haven’t raised teenagers yet) has been potty training. It broke me, utterly and completely. I had no idea the knock-down-drag-out battles I’d have with my kids. I started with my first child before he was ready because my friends were starting. I fought my last child and tried to have control even though he was far too strong-willed. I internalized every accident each of them had as my own failure—because why weren’t we further along?

Basically, I did everything wrong from the Potty Training 101 Handbook.

I cried, slammed doors, drank wine, and just as I was finishing up with one child, another one was old enough to start, trapping me in damn near a decade of potty training hell.

So if this is you—if you are realizing you started too early and now you don’t know if you should quit or keep going, or if you are feeling like a failure because your kid is four and still having accidents, or if you think your head might actually spin off if you have to wipe one more butt—I get it. I’ve been there. And when they say “Haha! Don’t worry, they won’t go to college in diapers!” and you want to punch them because you honestly really don’t know if that’s true, know this. They really won’t go to college in diapers. (You can punch me.) And also, you’re doing great. You’re a good mom. Your kid is a fantastic kid, whenever they finally get to the potty in time and learn to wipe their own butts.

“Frustration” is not even a strong enough word for how hellacious potty training can be.

If you quit for now, it’s okay. If you don’t quit but really want to and just mutter “fuck this shit” all day long, that’s okay too.

And here’s a fun tidbit—sometimes you get your kids a puppy because Mommy’s fun! And who doesn’t love puppies?! But guess what? You gotta potty train that little fucker too. Neat.

Undoubtedly once you’re through with potty training, you’ll have some epic stories to share with other moms in the trenches. Like that time you threw your kid’s shit in the bushes at Target.

Potty training breaks a lot of us, reducing us to a shell of who we once were. For some, it’s challenging enough to make them say “Nope!” to more kids. And that’s perfectly okay.

Also, lots of parents are shocked and sorely unprepared for toddler poops. Potty training is not all pee puddles, friends! Dealing with an epic three-year-old man-poop in a public bathroom at a birthday party is where shit *literally* gets real.

Potty training can be exhausting beyond belief and make you feel like you’re failing as a parent, like you’re going bonkers, or both. There are those magical unicorn kids who master the whole thing in three days. None of them live at my house. My kids prefer the three-year method, which equates to loooooots of Mommy day-drinking and crying in the pantry.

But, we made it through, and so will you. Even if they regress a hundred times and you have to still bring back up underwear everywhere you go for a while. Hang in there, parents. Remember, in a few years they’ll be teenagers asking for the car keys and we’ll wish more than anything to go back to the days of our biggest stress being a pee stain on the rug.