How To Tell If Your 2-Year-Old Has Gone From Terrible To Two-che Bag

We’ve all heard of the Terrible Twos and, when kids have that magical third birthday, Three-nagers. But sometimes, calling a 2-year-old “terrible” just doesn’t cut it. When a 2-year-old’s behavior heads so far south that day drinking is not only acceptable but expected to maintain your sanity, that’s when you have … a Two-che Bag.

Here’s how you can tell when your beloved 2-year-old has crossed over from “Terrible” to “Two-che Bag”:

1. When asked to clean up toys, the Terrible Two screams, cries, refuses to pick up, and acts like you have mortally wounded her for even asking. The Two-che Bag claims that she didn’t in fact make this mess at all and runs away, citing a desperate need to use the potty. She then unrolls 12 rolls of toilet paper in the bathroom, dumps clean dry towels in the bathtub, and turns on the water. Take that, mom.

2. When the family is out to eat, the Terrible Two yells and fidgets unless he is plied with chocolate milk, crackers, and an iPad. The Two-che Bag escapes booster seat hell by sliding under the table and picking up garbage that has collected there. He walks around the restaurant screaming, crying, and depositing under-table detritus onto strangers’ tables before mom can catch up to him. When mom carries him out of the restaurant, he immediately calms down. Gosh mom, he told you he didn’t want to be there. Why didn’t you understand that?

3. The Terrible Two will eventually nap, even if it’s more like passing out from exhaustion and Frozen overload. Once mom has put the Two-che Bag in her room to rest, she will pull everything out of her drawers and her closet to build her Elsa ice castle. She will pull sheets from the bed for the castle and then swing from her frilly pink curtains into the ice castle. Once she has crashed and mom has forced her to begin putting the natural disaster back in order, the Two-che Bag will fall asleep on top of the mess, thus rendering mom incapable of cleaning it during the nap. What? She’s napping, mom. Isn’t that all that matters?

4. Potty training a 2-year-old is its own special hell. Potty training the Terrible Two is doable, even if it isn’t fun. Mom tells TT to aim for the Cheerios in the potty, and he successfully pees on breakfast food floating in the crapper. The Two-che Bag, on the other hand, aims at random targets throughout the bathroom. The cup for brushing teeth, the trash can, under the sink and in the drawers … nothing is safe from the Two-che Bag’s seemingly endless stream of urine. Technically, he didn’t pee in his pants, mom. Is that a win?

5. Most Terrible Twos don’t want to share, and who could blame them? But TTs can at least be talked into a trade with another kid or switching toys with a sibling. The Two-che Bag, of course, takes not-sharing to another level. When arguing over a coveted Barbie, the Two-che Bag will play beautifully alone until it’s time to share. Then, the Barbie runs into some misfortune, such as a removed limb or a head swirl in the ketchup from lunch, before she is “shared” with the other child. Here’s the Barbie you ordered, Arabella. Enjoy.

Let’s face it. Being two isn’t easy, but being the mother of a 2-year-old? Even harder. So the next time you spot a tantrum from a 2-year-old who is cranking it up to the next level, feel free to use the correct terminology. Yes, kiddo. You’re being a Two-che Bag.