Fountain Soda Is The Most Superior Soda Of All Time

I’ve been sucking back Diet Coke since junior high. I’d like to think I’m a connoisseur of sorts. And yes, you absolutely can be an expert soda-taster. Just ask my salivating taste buds at the mere sight of a soda sign.

I used to indulge in canned or bottled soda before I had the freedom of having my driver’s license and the ability to hit the drive-thru whenever I wanted — that’s when my life changed. I mean, you can slurp on your bottle or can of fizzy nastiness if that’s what tickles your taste buds, but the fountain is where it’s at.

You don’t have to agree with me. You do you. But I have to let you in on something: you are wrong. There’s no comparison.

I’m not ashamed to admit my son’s first sentence was “Coke, Mama.” He’d repeat it over and over every time we’d pass the Golden Arches since McDonald’s has the best damn Diet Coke I’ve ever had — and, believe me, I’ve had them all.

My soda habit has forced me to suck out of enough bottles of soda to know the raunchy-ness it can bring to your lips when it’s about a quarter of the way gone. Sure, the first few sips are all right, but I need more than a few good gulps to excite me. I need the whole damn 16 ounces to satisfy my urges.

Let’s be honest, bottled soda tastes like backwash and sadness. The fizziness that I love fades after a few sips, and it gets warm faster than I do in the midst of a damn hot flash. The only reason I ever entertain the idea of buying a bottle of soda is if I see my name on it. Literally.

And can we talk about soda in a can? I’m not one to shame anything for its size but if I want my mouth to be tantalized, it’s gonna take more than two sips. Do ya feel me? Not to mention I’ve never been a fan of putting my lips near objects that can slice through skin at the lightest touch either. Kind of makes my toes curl (and not in the good way).

A fountain soda is the perfect pick-me-up when you’re driving down the road during a long car trip. It’s colder. It’s sweeter. It’s mixed better. It’s frothier. And my favorite part is, a fountain soda allows you to select a cup large enough to fill with a gallon of the sweet stuff which is exactly what we all need.

It’s the perfect chaser for pizza, fries, or your green breakfast smoothie (it’s all about balance, people), and the free refills a soda-fountain machine offers make me ridiculously happy.

If you’re a serious soda-slurper like I am, I’m sure you agree that McDonald’s has the best elixir going. FACT.

I hear it’s because of how they store the syrup (stainless steel containers is their secret), and their pre-chilled, extra-filtered water. Another secret? Their straw is wider than the competition, which makes it the top-tongue-tantalizer in the world of fast food drinks.

Wendy’s is a close second for me, with Five Guys behind right behind. However, McDonald’s one-dollar-any-size soda makes me choose them whenever it’s humanly possible.

Have I held in my pee as a passenger on a road trip so I could save it for a McDonald’s bathroom and also have an excuse to fill up my bladder again with a tall cup of fake sugar and carbonation? Perhaps.

It’s that good, folks. And I challenge anyone to say drinking soda from a bottle or can is better than feeding your cola-hole with the magic that comes out of those machines.

We all know there are plenty of beer and wine snobs out there. Well, I’m here to tell you soda snobs exist, and I may be the biggest one of all.

I’m not the only one who has strong feelings about their soda of choice. Scary Mommy put their feelers out to see what the soda-drinkers of the world liked. While most people loved their fountain soda as much as I do — one person admitted that they they indulge in McDonald’s solely because of their soda and its awesome-ness — not everyone agrees with me, and I’m still shaking my head in disapproval.

One person said, “I love my soda with a lot of guilt. No fountain or ice. I gotta have my soda in a bottle.”

Do you even go here? Enjoy your bottle of flavored saliva and sorrow.

Another chimed in with, “Classic Coke ice cold from a can. They way God intended. THE BEST.”

First of all, God wants you to enjoy your beverage longer than a can will provide. Also, where the hell is the straw? The ice? You are doing this all wrong. Once you try it my way with a cup the size of your head and magic frozen cubes, you’ll never go back.

Someone thinks “any fountain Diet Coke is good enough.” NO. They are kind of on the right track, but they need to take this more seriously and try the sugary liquids from a Freestyle machine to tighten up their tasters.

And my heart is broken after hearing someone loves drinking “Diet ginger ale in a glass without ice.” That scene reminds me of being sick with a stomach bug on a plaid sofa in the early ’80s.

Take your soda drinking seriously, folks. Ice matters (lots of people are crazy for pebble ice, crushed ice, or ice from Sonic). Most like their straws wide, and their cups large, made from styrofoam. The way we suck carbonated deliciousness matters, and it cannot be done from a glass sans straw, or out of a bottle or can. I’m in tears thinking about this way of life.

I beg of you: try it my way and if you disagree (you are wrong), then I’ll gladly finish yours and wish your and your sad little backwash-loaded can or bottle a happy life. After all, it means more fountain soda for me.