This Pregnancy Vs That Pregnancy

1. The Learning Curve

First Pregnancy: You read every book known to man about pregnancy, childbirth, childcare, environmental toxins, diet and exercise, etc. Subsequent Pregnancies: You read People magazine in the spare three minutes you get to yourself each day. Hey, you have to find out what Brad and Angelina are up to somehow. Been there. Read that. Whatever.

2. Extracurricular Activities

First Pregnancy: You practice prenatal yoga and water aerobics and take every childbirth and child-rearing class that is offered. Subsequent Pregnancies: You don’t have time to think, let alone take a class with a bunch of first-time moms who want to talk about what labor is going to be like. It is going to suck. Then it will be over. The end.

3. Nursery Preparedness

First Pregnancy: Everything in your nursery is washed, organized, perfectly matched and ready for baby by the time you hit 25 weeks. Subsequent Pregnancies: Baby? Oh, crap. I am having another one of those? In a panic, you start doing last-minute preparations for the baby around 39 weeks.

4. Your Diet

First Pregnancy: You make sure that you eat a perfect, balanced diet so the baby will have every advantage from day one. Subsequent Pregnancies: You eat spare chicken nuggets off your toddler’s plate while cleaning up after dinner and getting ready for bedtime.

5. Your Social Life

First Pregnancy: You still go out with friends and stay out a little later than you want just so they don’t think that having a baby is going to change you. Subsequent Pregnancies: Short of them offering you free tickets to lick Gerard Butler’s abs, you tell your friends to go fuck themselves. You’re pregnant.

6. Diagnosing Mystery Ailments

First Pregnancy: If any little thing just doesn’t feel right, you call your OBGYN. Subsequent Pregnancies: If anything short of a limb falling off happens, you say it will be fine and keep on moving.

7. Talking/Thinking About Baby

First Pregnancy: You think and talk about your pregnancy 24-hours a day. It is the only thing you can think about. Subsequent Pregnancies: You think about your pregnancy twice the entire time: Once when the stick shows two lines instead of one, and again when your water breaks and it is time to head to the hospital.

8. Weight Gain

First Pregnancy: You worry about proper weight gain and what you are going to look like after the baby comes. Subsequent Pregnancies: You supersize everything and get dessert after. Fuck it. You’re going to get stretch marks either way. Why not live a little?

9. Fetal Movements

First Pregnancy: Feeling your baby kick will make you stop what you are doing no matter how important it seemed. This is the miracle of life, people! Subsequent Pregnancies: When your baby kicks, it is still great and all, but if you were on your way to get a donut, you aren’t stopping to embrace it. It will happen again after the donut. Babies like donuts.

10. Expectations

First Pregnancy: You think that your baby will be the second coming of Christ. Subsequent Pregnancies: You know there is a good chance that your baby will be an asshole that will cry for hours on end for no reason and vomit in your hair right after you finally got a spare minute to wash it.