You Don’t Get To Be Pissed About ‘No Kids’ Weddings

My partner and I have been invited to a wedding this summer. The location is a beautiful ski resort in the Green Mountains of Vermont. We live in Vermont, but it is an hour and a half drive to our destination. The plan is to book a room on site and stay overnight. Summers in Vermont are gorgeous and any excuse to get to the mountains is a good one, though watching two of our female friends get married is a great reason too.

But do you want to know the best part about this wedding?

Our kids are not coming with us. They weren’t even invited. And thank fucking God. (Seriously, it’s almost better than watching queer love tie the knot.)

I’ve never understood why people get pissy about “no kids” weddings. I mean, you should feel grateful you were invited to someone’s big day. YOU made the list. They are spending money on you, on the booze and food you will enjoy with abandon. Sure, there may be some travel and a gift to buy, but getting invited to the biggest day of someone’s life is an honor. If your kids are not also invited, get over yourself.

It’s not your wedding, your day, or your choice. Your friends have spent too many months, money, and brain cells on planning the perfect day. News flash, friends: Their day is NOT ABOUT YOU.

You don’t know all of the reasons for the line that reads, “Adults Only Affair.” You don’t know the couple’s budget or the image they have in their heads that constitutes a flawless and memorable day. Also, the venue may not be kid-friendly and even if it is, again, still not your choice.

The couple may fear the very real possibility of your kid interrupting the day with their squawks or giggles or the impulse to throw a shoe during the couple’s first dance. The couple doesn’t want your post-marriage result to steal their thunder. They will have plenty of time to deal with their own kids someday. They don’t need a preview on their wedding day. Let the couple enjoy the bliss of no kids before they are drowning in diapers and sleepless nights.

When a couple is planning their wedding, the last thing they should have to worry about are your feelings. Yes, they want you to feel loved and appreciated for witnessing such a special milestone in their lives, but they do not need the stress of your annoyance if you can’t bring your kids.

I realize there are plenty of weddings that welcome kids at the ceremony, the reception, or both. I have been to weddings with and without kids—others’ and my own. And you know what? My favorite wedding memories do not include children. Admittedly though, the best wedding I have been to was when my partner was pregnant with our first child. But our baby girl was compliant and didn’t need snacks to stay quiet while vows were being said.

“No kid” weddings aren’t just for the couple either, they’re a gift to parents too. Let’s face it, we don’t get all dressed up just to be anxious about our kid ruining the decorations or crying through readings and toasts. And no one wants to cut the night short because their kid turned into a raging, exhausted monster before the cake was even served.

Also, look at it this way. If you don’t want to attend a particular wedding that doesn’t welcome your offspring, you get to use that as an excuse to not attend. You know the weddings I mean—your co-worker who is fine at work but not someone you’d consider a friend. That old college friend who you haven’t talked to in 15 years. Your second cousin who wants a black tie affair on Martha’s Vineyard and promises it will be the best night of your life, when really it will be the most expensive weekend of your life and you are all set with squeezing yourself into uncomfortable shoes and panty-hose.

Oh, no! So sorry we can’t attend. The grandparents aren’t available. Our go-to sitter is having surgery. Our house is in need of repairs and we can’t afford a sitter right now. We wish you the best though! Gift is in the mail.

You have a golden ticket to not show up to something you didn’t want to attend in the first place.

If you are lucky enough to get a wedding invitation, and it doesn’t welcome your kids, that’s just how the wedding cake crumbles. Celebrate this. I realize getting a babysitter can be tough, but it’s worth it. Maybe you can even do a babysitter swap with another friend. Not only will you get a night out, but you and your spouse will have a chance to relive your own wedding. Weddings are romantic and sexy. Leave the kids at home and enjoy yourself. Connect with your date. You might get lucky in other ways too.

When you get down to it, kid-free weddings are kinda the best. And if you want to attend a friend’s or family member’s wedding where kids aren’t allowed, you have two choices: Leave the kids at home or don’t go.

Personally, I can’t wait to go.