Dear Future Daughter in Law

Dear Future Daughter in Law,

I’m thrilled that you’ll soon be joining the family, but have a few things to get off my chest before popping the champagne…

First off, I am his mother, which means that before he was yours, he used to be mine. One day, you’ll be a mother too, and you’ll understand just how endlessly encompassing that position in the family can be. It’s both a burden and a joy, and it never ends, even after they’re grown. Letting go is something I’ve never done well, but I vow to try, for all our sakes. All I ask is that you take this into account when you feel I’m being overly intrusive.

As our youngest child, we may have spoiled your beloved just a little bit, so he’s kind of a baby. You’ve likely discovered this already, but he likes to have things his own way and he’s not above using puppy dog eyes and a wheedling tone if he thinks it’ll change your mind. I apologize for encouraging it when he was three. Just whack him in the nose with a rolled-up newspaper if he gets out of line.

As you know, he’s also a bit of a slob. That’s probably my fault, too; I always felt like it was my job to keep the house in order, so neither he nor his siblings had very many chores or responsibilities. Of course, I tried to instill in them an appreciation for cleanliness, but it’s like everything else we do as parents–some of it sticks, some of it doesn’t. Picking his dirty socks up of the floor, I don’t mind telling you, was never one of my favorite things. I doubt it’ll be one of yours, either.

A tad more seriously, I once heard him tell a friend on the phone that he is allergic to cats. That’s a complete and utter fabrication. The truth is, the neighbor’s cat bit and clawed him pretty badly when he was around six or so, and he’s been terrified of any kind of feline since then. He just doesn’t want to admit it, so he’s created this fake allergy. If you’re a cat person, keep this in mind.

Now, it’s not all bad news. He’s kind and thoughtful, hardworking, respectful, responsible, and has a witty sense of humor. Of course you already know all that. He’s got a few other good qualities about him, though, that you may not know about. For example, he will eat pretty much anything you put in front of him. I don’t know how accomplished you are in the kitchen, but the song of his people is the DING! of a microwave, so anything home-cooked will be to him like a king’s feast. He’s also not at all particular about housekeeping, so you won’t feel pressured to keep the house spotless all the time. Another plus is that he’s not all that into travel or running errands or being outdoorsy at all and prefers instead to watch TV or nap, so you should have plenty of quality “me” time for those solo shopping trips or mini vacas or whatever it is that you girls like to do now. He’ll be right there on the couch waiting for you when you get home.

I’ve been waiting for YEARS for my last baby to settle down and start acting like an adult, and I’m thrilled you’ll be the woman to make that happen. And if you ever need to vent, I’m just a phone call away.

Welcome to the family!

Love,

Your Future Mother in Law

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