PSA: Cucumbers Are For Salads, Not Your Vagina

I love the taste of a nice fresh cucumber in my chopped salad, and my kids love them sliced with salt, pepper, and a drizzle of olive oil for an after-school snack. My daughter and I have been known to do “spa nights,” and she always applies a clay mask on my face and cold cucumber slices over my eyes — it feels good, real good.

So when a friend of mine shared a Facebook post with me that demonstrates the “cucumber cleanse,” which is a nice way of saying peel a cucumber into the shape of a dick, insert it into your love canal, and twist it around your tunnel of love for 20 minutes “to cleanse your yoni,” I almost wanted to try it. I mean, if it makes my eyes feel fresh and young, what could it do for my fish lips?

But I know better. While I’m a huge fan of vibrators, fingers, and the like to please my precious yoni, cucumbers don’t belong inside of my hot pocket. No vegetable does for that matter. In fact, nothing we find in the produce section is meant for vaginal insertion.

But some women are doing this shit and claim to feel fresh and fabulous the next day. One commented on Dowell’s post saying she slept with the peeled, penis shaped cucumber inside her all damn night! She must be an overachiever. I’m just hoping she didn’t get a seed caught up there somewhere. Because vines sprouting out of your genitals? Hard pass.

Dr. Jen Gunter sets the record straight (because apparently we need reminders that food is for eating and not inserting into our special places) in an epic post that explains exactly what can happen to your insides if you try to pickle a cucumber with your own personal marinade. And it’s not pretty.

First she reminds us our vaginas are perfect just the way they are, and “this idea that some kind of vaginal cleansing is required, be it a peeled cucumber or the ‘feminine washes’ sold at drugstores, is misogyny dressed up as health care, and I am having none of it. Vaginas are not dirty.”

Do you hear that? Stop trying to get your vagina to smell like a spa, because when you cram things in there and try to get it squeaky clean, you are “disrupting the mucosal surface,” Dr. Gunter says. This increases a woman’s risk of contracting HIV or gonorrhea if she is exposed, and “[p]aradoxically, it will also cause odor.”

Odor. That is the opposite of what we want, right, ladies? And a big reason why we think our special flaps should double as a crisper in the first place. So just stop it.

We have no idea where that random cucumber has been. Who cares if it’s organic. There has been a rise in fungal infections, and this is how we contract said fungal infections — by putting a food source into our vagina.

And to make your stomach turn a bit more, Dr. Gunter says we can puncture our bladders by having our way with this veggie. If I’m going to pierce my bladder, it sure as hell isn’t going to be from having sex with a cucumber. I don’t care how big and organic it is, or if it’s carved to be an exact replica of Jon Hamm’s penis and leaves me smelling like my favorite body wash.

Just give up trying to feel like there’s a spring meadow happening between your thighs.

Eat a cucumber while having sex or masturbating, clean your kitchen counters with cucumber water, but don’t sauce your taco with it. And certainly don’t think you are “detoxing” your already perfect lady bits by jamming veggies in there. Your vagina already knows what to do. It’s a well-oiled machine, and when you put random shit in there to “cleanse” it, you are really exposing yourself to harmful bacteria and damaging your love-maker, so just leave it the hell alone.

And save your cucumbers for dinner.