Clowns Might Be Luring Kids Into The Woods And All Nightmares Are Real

Apartment complex warns residents about clowns trying to lure kids

A South Carolina apartment complex sent out a letter warning its residents that clowns have been seen on the property trying to lure kids into the woods. This means two things: a) there might be a sick bastard out there going after these folks’ kids, and b) all of my nightmares are real which means I also have a science final tomorrow that I haven’t read any of the books for.

Here is the note an apartment complex is sending its residents:

Everyone can agree that clowns are the worst, right? There’s little to debate there. We also know that clowns only come out at night when they have a thirst for blood, so whoever is doing this is really bad at his job if he thinks that hanging out in a clown costume in the dark is going to make children come closer to him. In fact, thank God, not a single kid has fallen for this — instead, they’ve run home scared out of their minds and told their parents, who have then called the police.

Donna and James Arnold, who are residents of the Fleetwood Manor apartment complex and have two sons, ages 10 and 13, told Buzzfeed News that their boys said, “‘There’s clowns out there in the woods and they’re trying to get us to come out there.’ Some had chains, some had knives, and some were holding out money, saying, ‘Come here, we’ve got candy for you,’ but they wouldn’t go.”

Excuse me, I need to go breathe into a paper bag until I pass out.

The Greenville County Sheriff’s Department confirmed that they have received multiple calls about clowns. According to one report quoted on Fox News Carolina, residents saw, “a suspicious character, dressed in circus clown attire and white face paint, enticing kids to follow him/her into the woods.” Another woman reported that her son had “seen clowns in the woods whispering and making strange noises.” And then there’s the woman who claimed she saw a clown with a blinking nose under a streetlight at 2:30am: “She stated the suspect waved at her and she waved back while she made her way to her residence safely. The suspect did not approach her or harm her.”

And now I shall cry under a blanket, naked. BRB.

It’s unclear whether this is some kind of prank to scare kids, or if there really is a seriously disturbed individual out there trying to abduct children. Kids are telling their parents they’ve seen up to 10 clowns at a time, and that they think the clowns live in an abandoned building in the woods. Obviously, the kids are scared to death and their parents are worried for their safety. The letter from the property manager advises parents not to let their children walk alone at night and to make sure they are supervised at all times. Having to tell your kids to stay inside because there might be clowns in the woods is, to put it mildly, an uncool situation.

Hopefully, this was the product of some kids’ imagination and it will all pass. But in the meantime, residents of Fleetwood Manor are having to explain to their children that sometimes even people who look like good guys can be bad guys. It’s an awful but necessary part of parenting, and one that didn’t need to be encouraged along by making one town feel besieged by evil clowns.

It’s a good thing that there’s plenty of space next to me in the Coulrophobia (that’s the fear of clowns) Panic Room. We like to curl up in the fetal position and write angry letters to Stephen King. All are welcome.