100+ Jokes And Puns Only "Funny" Teachers Tell

First days and exam days have one thing in common: They’re both stressful. Be the fun teacher and lighten the classroom mood with some grade A jokes in any subject area. Warning: Your students might groan instead of laugh. It’s the thought that counts, though, right? There is nothing wrong with being the corny teacher because they’re the ones students remember.

Bonus: These jokes can even be used to teach your class a few lessons here and there. They may not be fart jokes but we promise they’re just as funny. Mustafa Kemal Atatürk, a Turkish field marshal and author, once said, “A good teacher is like a candle — it consumes itself to light the way for others.” Teaching is a selfless job. Equipping young minds with the tools they need isn’t easy. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun along the way.

The best way to lighten the mood is to kick class off with a clever chemistry pun. Sure, you’ll get some eye rolls, but there will also be some smiles. The best way to get rid of first-day jitters is to start with a joke. Here are several scholarly funnies, organized by subject, that you can bring to your classroom.

Science Teacher Jokes

1. Two guys walk into a bar. The first says he’ll have some H2O.

The second says he’ll have some H2O2. He died.

2. Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?

The scientists were brainstorming

3. Anyone know any jokes about sodium?

Na.

4. What’s a tornado’s favorite game?

Twister.

5. Why can’t you trust an atom?

They make up everything!

6. What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?

Keep trying until you get a reaction.

7. How do you know Saturn was married more than once?

Because it has a lot of rings.

8. What’s the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?

One wags its tail and the other tags a whale.

9. Why didn’t the sun go to college?

It already had a million degrees.

10. I just read a book about Helium.

It was so good, I couldn’t put it down.

11. Why do people make bad chemistry jokes?

Because all the good ones Argon.

12. Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.

13. A red blood cell walked into a busy restaurant. The hostess asked, “Would you like to sit at the bar?”

The red cell replied, “No, thanks. I’ll just circulate.”

14. Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.

15. Be like a proton.

Always stay positive.

16. Where do hippos go to college?

Hippocampus

17. One tectonic plate bumps into another.

“Oops! My fault!” It says.

18. Why did the attacking army use acid?

To neutralize the enemy’s base.

Math Teacher Jokes

1. Not all math puns are bad.

Just sum.

2. Why did I divide sin by tan?

Just cos.

3. What did the zero say to the eight?

“Nice belt!”

4. You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that can’t be divided by two.

5. Never trust a math teacher with graph paper in their hands.

They’re plotting something.

6. Why did the math book look so sad?

Because it had so many problems.

7. What did one math book say to the other?

Don’t bother me, I’ve got my own problems.

8. A farmer counted 298 cows in his field.

When he rounded them up, he had 300.

9. Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame that they’ll never meet.

10. Have you heard the latest statistics joke?

Probably.

11. There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

12. Did you hear about the mathematicians who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

13. Why couldn’t the number four get into the club?

Because he was too square.

14. Why do teenagers always go out in groups of threes or fives?

Because they “can’t even.”

15. What do you call friends who love math?

Algebros.

16. Why does nobody talk to circles?

Because there’s no point.

17. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

To get to the same side.

18.Why was the fraction afraid to marry the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

19. What do you get when you divide the circumference of a Jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

A pumpkin pi.

20. Why did the geometry teacher miss school?

She sprained her angle.

21. Why was the geometry class so tired?

They were all out of shape.

22. Decimals have a point, you know.

23. Why is the corner of the room always the hottest?

It’s 90 degrees.

24. What’s a math teacher’s favorite kind of dancing?

Square dancing?

English Teacher Jokes

1. I just finished this book on Mount Everest.

It’s a real cliff-hanger

2. Knock, knock.

Who’s there? To. To who? To whom.

3. Yesterday a book fell on my head.

I only have my shelf to blame.

4. The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

5. Why does the ghost always need more books?

She goes through them too quickly.

6. Let’s eat Grandma!

Let’s eat, Grandma! Punctuation saves lives.

7. What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

Cats have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.

8. What does a book do to get thinner?

It gets its appendix removed.

9. Why are writers always cold?

They’re surrounded by drafts.

10. I’m assigning three chapters this weekend.

Go ahead and tell your friends that you’re “booked.”

11. Three transitive verbs walk into a bar.

They sit. They drink. They leave.

12. Two elves walk into a bar.

The hobbit laughs and walks under it.

13. Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant?

Its period was late.

14. What’s a car’s favorite section in the library?

Autobiographies.

15. Why should you never date an apostrophe?

They’re too possessive.

16. The past tense of William Shakespeare is Wouldiwas Shookspeared.

17. What did the passive-aggressive raven say to Edgar Allan Poe?

“Nevermind.”

18. What would you find in Charles Dickens’ kitchen?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

19. Don’t believe books save lives?

Dinosaurs didn’t read. Now they’re extinct.

20. If you see an improperly lower-cased letter, you must capitalize on it.

21. When writing, always avoid cliches like the plague.

History Teacher Jokes

1. Why are the early days of history called the Dark Ages?

Because there were so many knights.

2. Why did the pioneers cross America in covered wagons?

They didn’t want to wait 40 years for a train!

3. Why was Anne Boleyn’s ghost always chasing after Henry VIII?

She was trying to get ahead.

4. What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?

Plymouth Rock.

5. Why was WWI so quick?

Because they were Russian.

6. Why was WWII so long?

Because they were Stalin.

7. How did Vikings communicate?

With Norse code.

8. You know who can really get a party started?

Lenin.

9. Civil War jokes?

I General Lee don’t find them funny.

10. How was the Roman Empire divided?

With a pair of Caesars.

11. Where was the Magna Carta signed?

At the bottom.

12. I think I’m going to quit.

Teaching history is old news.

13. Who made the Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

14. Why was school so much easier for cave people?

They didn’t have any history to learn.

15. What did Mason say to Dixon?

We’ve got to draw the line!

16. Where does Nicholas Romanov II get his coffee?

Tsarbucks.

17. What’s a snake’s favorite subject in school?

Hissssss-tory.

General Teacher Jokes

1. Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses?

Because her students were so bright.

2. Why is a teacher like a judge?

They both give out sentences.

3. What’s the difference between a teacher and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

4. What do you call a teacher without students?

Broke. (Oh, wait…)

5. What do you call a teacher who forgets to take attendance?

Absent-minded.

6. What’s a teacher’s favorite nation?

Expla-nation.

7. A globe means the world to a geography teacher.

8. Time is a great teacher.

Unfortunately, it kills all its students.

9. Why was the broom late for school?

He overswept.

10. What did the ghost teacher say to her class?

Look at the board and I will go through it again.

11. Don’t get caught studying the periodic table in language arts.

It’s an elementary mistake.

12. What do you call a teacher who refuses to fart in class?

A private tooter.

13. Why did the teacher marry the janitor?

Because he swept her off her feet.

14. What’s a chalkboard’s favorite drink?

Hot chalk-olate.

15. Why did the teacher write on the window?

He wanted to make sure his lesson was perfectly clear.

16. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed?

She couldn’t control her pupils.

17. What is the Great Depression?

When you get a bad report card.

18. What’s the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the first and last letters.

19. I’ll always encourage you to follow your dreams.

But, I’ll never let you sleep in class.

20. Why was the student’s report card all wet?

It was below C level.

21. Why did the teacher go to the beach?

To test the water!