55 April Ludgate Quotes For Every People-Hating, Animal-Loving Witch

In 2015, Parks and Recreation wrapped up and the world was forced to say goodbye to its favorite local government’s intern-turned-deputy-director. We watched April Ludgate (Aubrey Plaza) go from a bored, distant and chaotic 19-year-old to an ambitious, caring, and chaotic young woman. Through Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler)’s mentorship, supportive friendships, and her marriage to Andy Dwyer (Chris Pratt), April’s character blossomed while staying true to her hilarious core.

From the angst of her moody teen years/early twenties to her relatable freak-outs about adulthood, April has provided us with many words of wisdom. Well, the kind of wisdom a human-hating half-witch, half-wolf might give, at least. So we’ve compiled a list of our favorite April Ludgate’s most hilarious quotes that suit just about any mood.

Hate people, but love your partner? Hate socializing, but love being with friends? Repeatedly threatening to murder someone, but too kind to follow through? Read on for the very best of April.

1. “At least I didn’t make any new friendships.”

2. “What? I love garbage.”

3. “Leslie said it was a ‘come as you were in the 90s’ party. I assumed it was the 1690s.”

4. “I can convince small children that I’m a witch.”

5. “I hate talking to people about things.”

6. “I love games that turn people against each other.”

7. “I guess I kind of hate most things, but I never really seem to hate you.”

8. “Thank you, alcohol.”

9. (While being hugged) “Ow! You’re hurting me!”

10. “My instinct is to be mean to you.”

11. “She’s the worst person I’ve ever met. I want to travel the world with her.”

12. “I very maturely and straightforwardly left anonymous comments about her online.”

13. “I want to tell people what to do, then send them far away from me.”

14. “It’s because I’m half wolf.”

15. “I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same, and if you spend more than $5 on wine, you are very stupid.”

16. April: “Someone will die.”

Andy: “Of fun.”

17. “Being a responsible adult sucks butts.”

18. “I declare that everything you are saying is stupid.”

19. “I wanted to make fun of stupid people while I get drunk. My two true passions.”

20. “This is my boyfriend, Derek. This is Derek’s boyfriend, Ben.”

21. “Don’t try to bond with me.”

22. “I wasn’t listening but I strongly disagree.”

23. “So, you’ve gone insane! That’s fun.”

24. “Being nice made me feel terrible.”

25. Jerry: “You look lovely.”

April: “I’m going to murder you a thousand times.”

26. “I don’t care about that prize, but I’m gonna win because I want his happiness to go away.”

27. “Alcohol is fun and delicious.”

28. “I will be providing my world famous $100 lap dances.”

29. “Is this gonna be one of those cool bachelorette parties where things get out of control and we murder someone, and then we all have to take a blood oath to never reveal our secret?”

30. “I really only listen to like, German death reggae. And Halloween sound effect records from the 1950s. And Bette Middler, obviously.”

31. “Stay back, slut.”

32. High schooler: “Where’d you get that dress?”

April: “I was buried in it.”

33. “Ann’s leaving town, and saying painful goodbyes to loved ones. Greatest day of my life!”

34. “Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge.”

35. “She’s the cold, distant mother I never had…I love her.”

36. “That’s gross. I love it.”

37. “I’ll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around, please.

38. “Horizons are dumb. Never broaden your horizons.”

39. “The air is so fresh. It’s disgusting.”

40. “We have a couple of house rules, though. You can’t use the front door. You have to climb in through the back window. No personal phone conversations. If you ever speak to me in Spanish, please use the formal ‘usted.’ And no electricity after 6:00 PM.

A couple more rules: if you ever watch a sad movie, you have to wear mascara so we can see whether or not you’ve been crying. There’s no noise allowed on Mondays. And no TV after breakfast.”

41. “I’m just gonna live under a bridge and ask people riddles before they cross.”

42. “Ben told you to finish the website, and if you don’t do it, I swear to God I’m going to murder you in your sleep. I know where you live – fourteenth street, right? (Gets quieter) I’m going to get a melon baller and scoop your eyes out and eat them and your Congressman uncle is going to have to buy you a dog to drag your eyeless face around. Do you understand me? (Kisses him on the nose, then slaps him.) Do it.”

43. “Beauty pageants are idiotic. But I found out that the winner of the Miss Pawnee pageant gets $600. I can be idiotic for $600.”

44. “Hello, I’m April Ludgate. I’m 20-years-old. I like people… places… and things.

45. “No, I didn’t win. But at least I didn’t make any new friendships.”

46. “The air is too fresh. It’s disgusting. I can’t breathe. There’s a brook somewhere that won’t stop babbling. Shut up!”

47. “I’ll just forge it. I forge government documents all the time.”

48. Leslie: (reads part of a speech) “What do you think?”

April: “I think you should lose the first line and the last line, and all of the other lines and instead just walk up to the mic and meow really loudly for eight minutes.”

49. “I found a dead rabbit on the side of the road and I cut its feet off and made it into a lucky charm.”

50. “Because I really don’t care what happens to them.”

51. “I’m going to tell you a secret about everyone else’s job: no one knows what they’re doing. Deep down everyone is just faking it until they figure it out. And you will too, because you are awesome and everyone else sucks.”

52. “I guess I kind of hate most things, but I never really seem to hate you. So I want to spend the rest of my life with you, is that cool?”

53. “I wanted to make fun of stupid people while getting drunk. My two true passions.”

54. “That’s gross. I love it.”

55. “The only things I like are dogs, sleeping late, and weird birthmarks. You can’t make museums about those.”