15 Apologies I'd Like To Hear From My Toddler

She’s almost 2, and third in a glorious line of children who were once toddlers. And I am going to be honest: Toddlers are the worst roommates ever. A lot of parents talk about how hard it is to apologize to their children. Well, that’s great and all, but let me tell you something: My toddler owes me a few apologies that I will most likely never get. But if she suddenly realized how big of a turd she’s been, and decided to ask for forgiveness, this is what I’d love to hear:

1. I’m sorry for taking three bites of three bananas and then hiding them under the rocking chair. That was really rude, and really strange, and showed a serious lack of respect for our grocery budget. I hope you will still help pay my college tuition.

2. Remember when I poured water on Mom’s new MacBook and then laughed about it? That was probably the most asshole thing I’ve ever done. And it cost you a bundle. I just thought water belonged there, but I was wrong. I hope you can forgive me.

3. I’m sorry for ruining your sex life.

4. Last month, when I pooped while we were both in the tub, and then while you cleaned up my mess, I got interested in the plunger and decided to stick the business end in my mouth…that was too far. It must have been really frustrating for you to be nude and handling a turd, then shift gears and wrestle me away from the plunger. I’m sorry. I’m going to start using the toilet. Tomorrow. I promise.

5. I’m sorry for digging your underwear out of the dresser and wearing them on my head while the neighbors were dropping off a quiche. It was really awkward and now everyone in the neighborhood is probably discussing the spackled holes in the crotch of your boxer shorts.

6. You know how every time I see a Popsicle I turn bight read and scream? Wow, that must be F-ing irritating. I just really want a Popsicle, but I’m going to work on saying please.

7. Sometimes I wipe my boogers on the crotch of your jeans leaving a suspicious stain. I’m sorry. I am going to start using a tissue.

8. I promise to never, ever, take my pants off in public ever again.

9. Next time you sit on the sofa, I promise not to stomp on your crotch. Sometimes I just get so excited. This is probably why I don’t have a younger sibling.

10. Remember that one time I threw your wallet in the garbage can? That seemed like a funny idea at the time, but it was wrong. I owe you a drink.

11. I can’t believe I kept you up all night because I couldn’t get comfortable. Wow! That was inconsiderate. You went to work, and Mom went to school, while I slept all day. Then I did it the next night. And the night after that. I’m a prick. Please accept my apology.

12. I’m sorry for barfing in your mouth.

13. Well, that time I broke your glasses with a toy saw and you couldn’t get replacements for over a week, and Mom had to drive you everywhere. I had a good laugh, but now I can see that was a dick move on my part.

14. I don’t know if I can stop flooding my pants with poop, it just kinda happens. But what I can do is start being a little more cooperative when you change them. No more crying and wiggling and trying to eat it. I’m done with all that, and I’m sorry about the past. Let’s move forward and work together!

15. I promise to never, ever, jab my finger in your eye when you try to hug me. I love you, Dad.

Are these apologies too much to ask? Sadly, yes. But a parent can dream, right?

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