During COVID, I Always Feel Like I’m On The Brink Of Losing It

Nearly two years into the pandemic, I think I’m on the precipice of completely losing it… again.

My daughter recently got after me because I asked her something about a test she took at school, then exactly five minutes later, I asked her the same question. Her tone made me want to lose it.

I left my ear buds, phone, and wallet when I went for a run this morning, even though I always get a post-run Diet Coke in order to get myself started for the day. How I could have forgotten something that was in plain sight when I walked out the door to get the kids to school?

My boyfriend decided to leave a few things at my house after spending the holiday break chez moi. As soon as the words, “my hands were full so I thought you could bring them to me next time you come to my house,” came out of his mouth, I lost it, reminding him I had enough to take care of and he needed to be accountable for his own things.

Like so many of us, my already maxed-out mind is constantly spinning. The to-do list is never ending, and if I don’t keep the wheels spinning at all times, things get lost, forgotten, even stepped on.

When that happens, guess who has to pick up the slack?

Me.

From an early age, I learned that no one is going to come and do something for me — I have to do it myself. I am a woman, after all; we all know we are the ones who worry about ourselves, everyone else, and everything else.

But when you become a mom, your brain spins like you’ve downed 11 Red Bulls and you can’t stop it. It doesn’t matter if you are retching over the toilet with some mystery sickness, in the bowels of PMS, or asleep. When you are a mom, your mind never quits… which is why so many of us are on the brink of losing it all the damn time.

And here we are in a new year. But new years don’t mean a lot to moms. It’s the “same sh*t, different day” merry-go-round, and we are on it for the long haul. Especially during COVID. Especially with schools being what they are right now.

We know that moms are the ones who have been hardest hit by this pandemic – worrying, making sure everyone is safe, working from home (or not) and being expected to care for the kids.

Somehow my kids and partner look surprised when I lose it on them. Of course, we do this because we’ve been nice the first five times we’ve asked them to help us, to do something, to not do something. We are ignored and made to feel invisible until we raise our hands, our voices, and anything else in plain sight so we can get the message across that we want, and deserve, to be heard. It’s like no one hears our nice voice when we ask them to take out the trash or to “please” put their dishes in the dishwasher.

Most moms I know are always one random shoe, empty toilet paper roll, or one hour of sleep away from losing it — especially now. We have been asking, begging for help. We’ve made it clear we are drowning, and yet no one seems to hear us.

So consider this my breaking point (again). You’ve been warned.